Counting the Cost

Marriage is a huge decision. Every couple pursuing marriage must count the costs of a lifetime commitment. For some couples the cost can be as big as giving up a career to move to a new place, or as "small" as giving up holiday traditions to make new ones with in-laws.

The cost of our marriage seems more extreme. And it's not a "picture perfect" wedding that it sometimes feels like the rest of the world has or will have. Ian has a brain injury. Steve died from cancer. We have very little financial means. It's a possibility we won't be able to have children. The list of the "costs" goes on for awhile.

But all of these costs could happen in every single marriage. It's just that we know them in advance. There are no guarantees that anyone will ever be spared of these hardships and "costs." What's guaranteed is that we will have troubles.

So, I guess that logically brings us to why would we get married? Well, as simple as it is, because we love each other. And we enjoy each other. And we believe that Ian was created to be my husband and me to be his helper. Our marriage will look way different than we imagined four years ago. But it must mean something that I can't look at Ian without smiling. And that he has struggled every day for three years to get better- for me.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. (no offense to our pastors who read this:) ) This is just the truth that I have to come back to at the end of the day through our engagement, as we wrestle through all of the costs and blessings this marriage will bring. Our marriage could last one month, five years, fifty years, until one of us goes to be with God. The most wonderful thing I can think of doing while anxiously waiting for that to happen, is to go through this crazy lifetime, as long or short as it may be, as husband and wife.

Thank you for always praying. I can't believe people still read what I have to write after three years.......wow.

Larissa

Several people have asked through comments- we're getting married on August 28th, 2010- Steve's birthday.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

I&L

I come by the blood,

I come by the cross,

where your mercy flows

from hands pierced for me,

for I dare not stand

on my righteousness

my every hope rests

on what Christ has done,

and I come by the blood

The gospel should pervade every part of our lives. I think we often tend to compartmentalize the gospel, trusting that God has forgiven our sins because of Jesus' death on the cross, but then not recognizing how that does and should affect every decision, every thought, every part of our being.

Our every hope for marriage rests on what Christ has done. We are both entering this marriage with extreme weaknesses, difficulties and challenges that most marriages never experience. But we have hope. We have hope because the gospel affects everything about our lives. And we have everything we need for life and godliness through Christ. Our affection for each other and therefore our marriage cannot thrive outside of the gospel. So we are hoping and trying to enter into this knowing that we stand on nothing else other than Christ. We are so weak but we have a great God, who works way beyond what we can understand.

I can only imagine how this makes way more sense to Steve now than it does to us.

Thank you for praying. We are so thrilled to get married.

I&L

Best Post Yet

We're getting married!!!!!!

2008 Christmas card.

We're going away until the 28th so we won't be posting anything new.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday.

Ian and Larissa

A (Very) Short List of What Steve Taught Me About Suffering....

1. God is sovereign

2. Joy in God and sorrow are two different things and can Biblically co-exist.

3. I shouldn't discount my emotions- they are God-given and life would be so boring without them. I also shouldn't put too much stake in them either, since they change as easily as the wind.

4. Ian's afflication may or may not be a form of discipline from God. This is not something that we should dwell on. We probably won't know until heaven anyway. And what does it matter? No matter why it came to us, we should not change our response. And even if it is discipline, how does my suffering compare to hell, which is the ultimate discipline and punishment that I deserve? Knowing that doesn't change sadness, but it should affect my view of the gospel.

5. Affliction will change everything about our lives- the way we think, decisions that we make, how we approach our relationships.

6. The cause and outcome of our suffering is not based solely on us. We are called to respond in faith, but God is not waiting on us to muster enough faith, and then plans on healing Ian as a result. If that is what we believed, we would've been completely rattled by Steve's death. Steve always taught us- even through his own cancer- that trying to believe ourselves into health makes us too big and God too small. God doesn't need anything from us to be able to heal and perform miracles.

7. God may not heal, like He didn't with Steve, and we have to be ok with that.

8. God will provide.

9. Grief cannot be solved through pat answers or other "brain trauma and cancer stories." Grief will always follow us because our lives will never be the same. Affliction is guaranteed- earthly prosperity is not.

10. This will all make sense in heaven.

So Steve gets it now.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. And we miss him like crazy. I've only known Steve for less than five years. For three of those, he held all of our hands as he walked us through our suffering. Now I'm trying to do it without him.

Thank you for praying.

Larissa

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies


Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down
All down at Jesus’ feet.

-Elvina Hall

Please pray for Ian's clarity of thought. Pray that God would help him to place all of the memories of his life into the correct timeframe and that he be able to recall his life accurately.

Thank you for praying.

Anniversary

Four years- it sounds so much longer than it feels. Larissa has been there every step of the way. I love you, Larissa. My life without her would be stupid. It's amazing. I'm laying in bed and Larissa is sitting on the end of it. She has been sitting with me for four years. She loves me. Why? God enables her to love me. I appreciate the fact that she loves me.

-Ian

My dad always looked forward to heaven. I'm happy to know that he is there. Now he is experiencing God every single minute of every day. My dad is experiencing health that he never saw here on earth. I miss him but I know he's happy. It makes me want to try my best with endurance for heaven. I know I'm going to heaven because Christ died. I'm excited for heaven because I'll see God every day, I love the idea of talking to God...

-Ian

Steve from 2008:

"God knows and controls the outcome of Ian's situation, and somehow it's good, though I don't understand how. When I look up to Him through my sadness wondering how things went so wrong for Ian and Larissa and I recognize that He is compassionately and confidently rejoicing despite Ian's circumstances, I can draw strength from that.The Lord's joy is my strength."

Still isn't real that he can't write on this blog anymore.

Ian has been showing us good signs of progress. In seemingly small ways (but big ways to us) he has been initiating much more than he used to. He continues to work hard in therapy five days a week and is really trying to get better.

Please continue to pray for Ian's memory and initiation.

Here are some more photos from Vinegar Hill's recent short that Ian helped with:

http://shepahlers89.tumblr.com/post/232249206/behind-the-scenes-of-the-interventionist-a-short

Here's another old post from Steve in March 2007:

It occurred to me that focusing only on the next step or the next thing is how the Lord wants me to live. "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Ps 119:105). An oil lamp (the only kind available when this was written) only lit enough of a dark road for the next step. I've walked on deserted roads at night where there is no light except the light of a flashlight (usually one with most of the juice gone); it's not the most comfortable stroll. That's what this experience feels like - a walk along a dark windy deserted road surrounded by woods (where animals live) with only a dim flashlight to light the next step. Living life this way forces me to put my confidence where it belongs: in His Word which declares his kindness and faithfulness and power. I'm learning that patience is about taking just the next step trusting that God is leading me and caring for me and protecting me.

Before Ian's accident, he and David began building a business, Vinegar Hill Picture Works. Since then, David and Mike Hartnett have been working together on different projects, waiting for the day when Ian can join them at work.

This weekend, they filmed a comedic short here in Indiana. Ian was able to be on the set for most of the weekend, calling action and offering suggestions. The newspaper came and took some photos, including this one.

I found this blog post that Steve wrote on April 1, 2007. It seemed pretty appropriate.

"This experience with Ian has reminded me again of how fleeting life is. I don't belong here on this earth and neither does Ian. Christ died for our sins. He made us new creatures. He promised homes for us in heaven. He made us for heaven. Like the moon doesn't seem to belong in the sky when it's still light out, I don't belong here. Things that I desire and pursue will one day not be there to pursue, because I'll shed this life and all it's pursuits like a worn-out pair of jeans. I once made a comment to a friend about how pointless it seemed to spend so much time fixing our houses: "it's all going to burn anyway." He wisely pointed out that we have to have somewhere to live while we're here. True, but I want to hold things loosely. After all, I don't belong here."

Lydia Hartnett, a beautiful friend and photographer, took some photos of Ian and I just a few days before Steve passed away. They are such a gift and blessing to have. To see them all, go to http://www.lydiajane.com

Thanks, Lydia:)

At times, Ian is having trouble remembering what happened to Steve. He wanted me to ask readers to pray for his memory.

We miss Steve.

Thank you for praying.

Larissa

The mystery is not why Steve died from cancer, but rather why he was chosen as a recipient of redemption.