Jan 8, 2013

timid


it's been easier to not deal with it, to just push it into the depth of a memory and let it suffocate from my task list at work, my paperwork to get ian's caregivers switched to a new company, anything that doesn't mean investing emotions. but now i'm faced with diving back in, pushing myself to remember the smells and sounds and textures of raw loss. as i retrace our lives and story to push forward on the manuscript, my heart is trying to get me to stop. my mind is only letting me go so far into the memory before pushing panic, and self preservation.

i can't be afraid of what's inside of me, what monster of grief sits in there. it's more comfortable here on this side of it, the loss familiar and usual, though still unwelcome. but back there, back in the ICU and back in the bedroom that i shared with lydia and back in the mangled station wagon, the grief hasn't aged. it's new and it's exposed. i can't be afraid but it's terrifying. i feel my thoughts lurch when they get too close, when they come too near to standing next to the hospital bed and brain surgery drainage tube.

please pray for me, for us, that somehow god would make these hands move on the keyboard and words form in my mind to tell this story at even a fraction of the weight that it's worth.

so, so thankful that he's bigger than me

larissa

18 comments:

sandy said...

HE is able when we cannot. Breath in breath out; wait on your saviour. Trust his Heart to care for yours.... you are loved; greatly on this earth, and beyond magnificently by the King of the Heavens.

Rose said...

you can do this. there is so much of this left inside of you. let it out.

Anonymous said...

Praying. Can't wait to read it.

Emily

Linda Hagopian said...

When you are weak, that is when He is strong for you!

JessieK said...

Love you both dearly.
--- K + J + B

Anonymous said...

This resonates so much with me. My boyfriend was in a big, scary, life-changing accident a few years ago and, though I journalled a lot at the time to cope with it, I can't go back and read those writings. They're too raw and painful.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes for me it is easier to share painful things if I focus on how much my sharing it will bless and encourage others who are going through the same things. Then my focus is on trying to help them vs so much on "me". I don't know if it will help, but thought I would share it! =) Your blog/story has been an incredible blessing to me and others, and I look forward to reading your story!

Anonymous said...

Of course I'm praying for both of you every day. Will hold you up especially for this, L. You are loved by so many - ESPECIALLY GOD AND IAN! HE will get you through this "valley". When I am going through something hard, I try to remember Psalm 23, and that we are only going "through", not staying. HE will be with us all the way. The journey is worth it! God's blessings, Rene

Christine said...

Self-preservation is a strong drive, for sure, especially when the rest of life doesn't slow down. But He has overcome this world and its pain and that isn't just an empty verse we must try to imagine. It is real. We still have heavy reality before us each day, but with the power of His spirit we can be lifted up to feel and taste a bit of heaven. That morsel, that glimpse, is what keeps our eyes on Him and on His plan, rather than on our present or past pain. It is Grace and it can be a bigger part of our lives if we let the Word wash over us enough. If we slow down and cease to feel the tyranny, the urgency, of the moment.

My prayer will be for a lot of mini-romps to heaven as you write. I have read examples of them on your blog and I have felt them in my own life. The Lord is so glorified when we chronicle those mini-romps to heaven, for they reveal the truth of his promises and of his victory over this world.

Don't try too hard. Don't labor with a burden to make it perfect. He really will be the one writing it because he's the one with something to say. Spend more time with Him and see that it doesn't just flow right out of you. It is human nature to keep going, especially when our lists are full, but we err in our urgency. Time with Him eases and straightens our path!

I will be faithful in prayer for you as you write and as you live the burden of dreams interrupted.

With Much Love,
A new reader

Anonymous said...

Praying for you both. Crying for you both. HE loves us so much... and is SO faithful. So VERY faithful.

BY: Jenn and David said...

You are so brave to write your experience down and have others read it. I once thought I might write a book documenting my experience with Caleb and his brain injury. Sometimes I wish we could meet so you would know that there is at least one person who understand what you are going through.
-Jenn S

A friend in Christ, so thankful for you and your shining example and tremendous testimony said...

May you know the deep love and comfort of God. May He help you write this story and in doing so heal you and make you whole and happy in Him. It is a great burden you have been called to bear. But greater still is the all-sufficient grace of God. He is able to carry you. He is able to help you. He is able to bring the good news of the gospel deep into your soul. He is able to tenderly help you process and deal with your pain and suffering, and He is able to give you hope in Him. May He encourage your heavy heart. He cares for you.

Marlo said...

I have tried to go back to my story of my daughter's cancer and death, but I haven't been able to.... yet. I have been praying for you, for words to come. You are steward of your story. Press on.

Sarah-Anne said...

Dear Larissa,

I am keeping you, and Ian in my prayers, and especially you as you write. May you lean into God--for He is carrying you, He is gentle and good and tender and loving, and you are NOT alone. Cling to Him, trust Him, and write. Praying for peace and healing as you press on, step by step, to write and share.

Remaining in His Grip,
Sarah-Anne

Ps - thank you for sharing your life and your marriage, your words have blessed and encouraged me, eight years in to my own marriage. We are keeping you two in our prayers.

Laura said...

Praying for you, Larissa. This blog has been a blessing to me and my marriage. Praying for your healing in this process.
A sister in Christ

kelley said...

larissa, I think it is so brave of you and ian to share your story with the world. know that it is SO important and that your lives are a beautiful picture of the gospel. thank you for being open and honest. I think this will be a great time of healing for you. praying that God will bless you and keep you, and I know He has and is and will.

kelley said...

larissa, I think it is so brave of you and ian to share your story with the world. know that it is SO important and that your lives are a beautiful picture of the gospel. thank you for being open and honest. I think this will be a great time of healing for you. praying that God will bless you and keep you, and I know He has and is and will.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty. 'The loss familiar and usual' - you put into words what I am feeling and you point me to God's loving arms again and again