Sep 30, 2012


I remember sitting in the sterile, hospital hallway, back pressed against the wall with my knees tight to my chest. My cell phone was pushed against my ear, hard, as if the closer it was to my ear, the more likely he was to come back. It was an old voicemail, just a few days old, and he was singing obnoxiously and with falsetto to me on the other end:

"I can't see me lovin nobody but you for all my life. When you're with me baby the skies will be blue, for all my life."

He continued through the whole song and so many times in that hospital I found a quiet place by myself and tried to find comfort in that voice.

Six years ago today the hospitals, missing Ian's voice, losing my best friend all started. Another rainy, September day, just like today, lead Mary, Steve and I on a trip to Pittsburgh, each silently praying that it wouldn't be his brain.

Last night as I told Ian how sad I felt with each anniversary, he said sweetly,

"That's why I love you. It makes you sad because you care about me so much."

Today does make me sad.

"Sorrowful yet always rejoicing" is my prayer. To have strength for the rejoicing, even if it's just quietly in my soul.



Barbara said...


Jillian said...

Praying for you. So glad this life is temporary and we can long for eternity with our MAKER who will heal.

Anonymous said...

Anniversaries are hard.
Five years ago today, my parents and I were packing to make
a trip to Alabama for my
baby cousin's funeral.
He had died from cancer the night before.
As we started out the door to the car the phone rang. Again.
This time the call came from a pastor our family had known for years.
He was calling to tell us that a very close friend of ours,
a man who had been a father to me and a spiritual mentor, had suffered a severe heart attack and was in emergency surgery.
As we travled we learned that he was alive for now,
but that his heart
had stopped numerous times
and the doctors had no hope
for a recovery.
Due to the lack of oxygen
he suffered brain damage
and was left in a coma/vegative state for two years
before he died
in October of 2009.
Today is a very sad, painful day. But also a joyful reminder that my cousin and mentor are no longer suffering. For them, all pain is gone. And I will see them again.
Treasure every moment you have with Ian. Thank you for your openness and honesty, allowing the rest of us to learn from your journey.

cori haughery said...

i hear your sorrow...yet i hear your rejoicing all throughout this blog. you are living scripture. such a clear picture.

Amber V. said...

Praying Larissa. May that rejoicing grow to a loud roar in your soul & overflow.

abbi said...

praying for you, Larissa, and for Ian and your life together.

jessimatson said...

I don't know you but am one of the many that has found your blog following your touching video that went crazy on the FB. I'm touched by your raw honesty, for your heart, and the beauty you share with us all. I read your blog often with tears in my eyes. After I click off the page I can't get you out of my head and wish I could call you with a thank-you for your perspective. You are stronger than most and what you and Ian share is beautiful, incredibly honoring to Christ. Thanks for being real and showing us how the pursuit of Christ isn't always easy or perfect but worth it, so very worth it. Ian, thank-you for showing us how to love like Jesus. You inspire so many. You are both beautiful people. Be encouraged today that you encourage me in my pursuit to love others like Jesus loves us, and to love myself too. I'm so very blessed by you and your story and your lives. Thank-you.

Anonymous said...

I want you to know that your story is inspirational to me.

I have never commented on your blog before, but I've recently re-read over all the posts you wrote. I cried again when I reached the blog where he spoke for the first time, spoke your name. I cried again when Steve became ill. I cried again when you got married.

I'm sure you life is very difficult because of Ian's disability, and I'm sure that you are often consumed with doubt and fear and all the things that anyone would feel in your situation. But your devotion and love for him is so amazing to me.

I wish the best for you and for God to bless you, even now, to gift you with all the things you'd hoped to have with your life.

You are an amazing person, and so is Ian. I can't believe the trials you have persevered through and I hope nothing but the best for you. Although this day is a memory of what you lost, it is also a commemoration of the things you've gained. The things you worked through, and the things you brought Ian through. He has always had a special reaction for you, and I believe truly in my heart that without you, he would not be where he is now.

God bless you, and I hope you find fulfillment and love through this day, which will always mark the day you lost so much. Stay true and follow the love inside you, it is the only compass you have to guide yourself.

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story with the world.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you both today.
Wendy in MD

Amy said...

Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Larissa, you are such a beautiful godly woman, because you preach the gospel with your life. In your weakness he is strong. Thank you so much for encouraging me today to love and serve my husband more. You are so LOVED by the Lord. I can't wait to see you and Ian in glory when Jesus will make all things new.

Jean Marie said...

You don't know me at all, Larissa......but I've been praying for Ian since his accident.....and for you.

So many of your posts on grief and rejoicing have blessed me immeasurably. And yet, it has brought me into your sorrow. I'm sad with you tonight.

Fall also holds much pain from 3 years ago, the loss of a dear family friend. Every fall it is so incredibly beautiful to gaze at photos.....but they are often viewed through tears. It is the most beautiful time that holds some indescribable pain.

Thank you always for sharing with us. Grief and rejoicing. Prayers continue from my heart....

~ Jean Marie

Abigail Cashelle said...

praying for you Larissa


Anonymous said...

Still praying...without ceasing.

Mary Ann K.

Leah E. said...

Amen, and I'm still praying for you two. <3

Leslie Dawn said... happy together♫ God has blessed you two♥♥ And you Larissa chirps in "I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life♫

Courtney said...

My dad passed away unexpectedly on September 30th of this year and I miss him more with each passing day and am longing for that day. Praying for you during this difficult season.