Jul 16, 2012

why bother

on my worst days, the really bad days, thoughts and doubts and fears grind through my mind, "should we have done this? can our marriage really last our whole lifetime? will i be miserable by age 30?" the fears are suffocating and isolating and overwhelming. especially when i keep them trapped inside my own mind and don't share them with ian, or a close friend, or even my journal.

these seasons are long and scary. what if i ruin my marriage? why if i become so bitter that i don't even like my husband anymore? what if we never have relief from this?

recently as these thoughts were pummeling through my head, i think God cleverly and gently reminded me that leaving is not an option. i have made a covenant. and so spending time thinking on these fears was only producing in my heart a growing thought pattern that may someday build up to significant bitterness toward my spouse. significant bitterness that would feel trapped inside a covenant. it is not an option for our marriage to end. this is it. we're in it. it's too late to spend time on doubts and fears. like our wise dad told us before he passed away, someday we would have to look back on our decision to get married and know that we did it in faith, 10, 20, 50 years from now.

and this covenant is not meant to be a trap, so why waste my time there? i pray for good days and good thoughts toward my husband. and God does answer them. some days feel grueling (more to come another post on that) but even in the grinding, God can and will produce a sweetness for us. because He designed marriage. and he already has.

thank you, always, for praying
i&l

20 comments:

Sharon Wang said...

Larissa,

I think we all have times when we wonder if our marriages will survive. But, I imagine it's even harder for you since you guys have extra challenges to deal with day in and day out.

Thanks for your honesty.

Praying for you guys! So excited at the prospect of new therapies for Ian so he can keep making progress.

Kristen said...

i found this post on another blog i read: http://headhearthand.org/blog/2012/07/16/why-disabilities/

I thought it may be a good reminder. Sometimes we lose sight of God's perfect plan. I know I do. I have a brother with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and sometimes i wonder what God is doing.

And I have wondered the same thing about my marriage. Can it survive? But God always gives grace, and each of these hard moments are another opportunity for me to run to my saviour--and that's exactly what he wants. praying that God would empower to fight Satan's lies about the "grass being greener on the other side". You are blessed, dear one, more than you know! You see Jesus in ways others only wish to.

Amanda Clonts said...

thank you for your continual honesty! It gives me courage to do the same and I draw hope from your perseverance and your faith in God alone.

Karissa said...

Hi Larissa,
I've never commented before...I just starting reading your blog a few weeks ago after seeing your story on the DesiringGod website.
Thanks for your honesty...I have been (and continue to) pray for you and Ian. The Lord has given you such a unique way to shine forth His love and goodness. It is powerful, and our enemy doesn't like it.
I've been working through some fears too...and so I'm reminding you & myself...keep thinking on what is whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Love in Christ,
Karissa

Pretty lady said...

You're a blessing to me. I don't know, haven't met you, but I've been abundantly blessed by you. Your posts are real and encourage me to press on, especially in this area of marriage.

Amy said...

I think anyone who's human would feel that way Larissa, so I hope you aren't overly harsh on yourself - just repent and keep being faithful, as you seem to be doing so well :)

Remember that God knew you'd have the bad seasons even from the beginning; you haven't shocked Him. His plan for you still holds firm, and He'll carry you and Ian (and your marriage) to completion. I love the reminders is Psalm 139....all our days were written in His book before one of them came to be, and He knows our anxious thoughts. Also Psalm 138:8 - the Lord will fulfill His purpose for us. His purpose surely wasn't to leave you stranded, but to give you joy!

Love you guys, and praying the new therapies go well!

Amy

Anonymous said...

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

May the Lord continue to sustain you both.

Amy said...

Thank you for your honesty in your blog today. The words you wrote were just what I needed to hear.

Bethany said...

Grace has brought you safe thus far and grace will bring you home.

Praying for you both!

Not exactly the same topic, but related; nothing you don't already know but I found it helpful:
http://theworksofgod.com/2012/07/10/the-unfortunate-things-people-say/

It's about how God does in fact give us more than we can handle on our own.

Marlo said...

Thank you for admitting your weaknesses. It keeps me from thinking, "Wow, look how great/strong/wise Larissa is." Instead I think, "Wow, look how great/strong/wise God is who is walking with Larissa on the path he set out for her." Your story has encouraged me to stop tearing down my house in my mind as I tend to dwell on my husbands weaknesses rather than on his strengths. When I see your love for Ian, it makes me want to love my husband better/bigger. I recently read some instructions in 1 Thessalonians 5:12-22 that have also served to renew my commitment to my husband in obedience to Christ...
Respect those who are over you in the Lord
Live in peace with each other
Encourage the timid
Help the weak
Be patient with everyone
Be joyful always
Pray continually
Give thanks in all circumstances
Hold to the good

May God bless you as you live out your commitment in obedience to Him.

Jodie said...

Your story and your love is inspiring. I think many married couples have the same feelings and fears that you expressed without having the challenges you and Ian do. With that said, my guess is many of them don't have the faith you and Ian have. I recently learned of your story and want to thank you for sharing it with the world. You are an inspiration.

Natali said...

Olá, meu nome é Natali e eu vivo no Brasil. Eu encontrei o vídeo em um evangelista blog e fiquei encantada com a sua história!
Estou passando por uma situação de decisões na minha vida sobre meu casamento e depois que eu vi o vídeo, eu parei para pensar sobre minha vida e que o amor é muito mais do que pensamos e que Deus é nossa única fonte de vida e amor! Eu chorei com a sua história! Nunca vou me esquecer deste testemunho! Vocês dois são exemplos de vida! Deus abençoe!

Arlene said...

One thing that has brought me tremendous relief is the fact “GOD is love”. Everything about HIM is love. A good thing to do is pray every day, “LORD, fill me with Christ-like love for my dear companion, so that I can always love him as YOU love him.” There is nothing GOD desires more than for us to have more love… to Ian, to everyone, but mostly to our companions, because that is the view to the unbelievers who are witnessing our marriage of the marriage we are anxiously awaiting in eternity. Another thing, never forget… you can absolutely NEVER out-love GOD!! God bless you dear sister in the faith. Many pray for you daily.

Lady of the Cloth said...

i don't have nearly the challenges you have, but experience the same thoughts. Thank you for putting it into perspective. We need to focus on that covenant we made and live and grow through the hurts and pains, no matter what.

A Godly Homemaker said...

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14
this was the verse I read this morning and remembered your post and felt led to share.
You are in my prayers.

Gloria said...

Thanks for posting this, Larissa. I'm struggling on my own too and this was such a timely reminder for me to keep on keeping on.

It's never easy, but I'm cheering for you from halfway around the world. Keep going, sweet sister. (: Jesus loves you plenty.

S.Lewis said...

Ditto what Lady of the Cloth said. Thanks so much for sharing your honest struggles. Praying that God gives you faith when you need it most to trust in His good plans for you and Ian.

Rebekah said...

Dearest Larissa, I feel a connection to you as I also graduated college in 06 and got married in 10. But what you've been thru and where you are in your faith...and just the beauty that comes forth from your heart and voice as you write amazes me. How beautiful and lovely you are. SO incredibly so. With all my heart, I adore you so much tho I have never met you. Wish I did because I have so much to learn from you and your heart that has encountered God and has been met by Him in such amazing and deep ways than I have up to this point in life. All I keep thinking is WOW...your honesty, the clarity you write with, and just the perseverance and tenderness and perspective you have already for life and for eternity. You are such an amazing girl. God's fingerprints are sooo all over you. Love you so much and praying for you and Ian. So much love from Chicago,
Rebekah

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and it really blesses me. I know of a young woman where her husband developed brain cancer and she ended up leaving him and is now married to another man. She was a professing Christian as well. I couldn't help but wonder, if she never left her husband...how many people would have been encouraged to endure their hard situations instead of leaving them. Thanks for sharing and pressing into the fellowship of suffering that believers oftentimes have to endure in this temporary life. It's giving me a reality check with my marriage problems. Thank you.

Jenn said...

Hi Larissa! it's Jenn & Steve from CA. I just wanted to share with you. I recently read an article saying that the divorce rate after a brain injury is close to 80%. The thought of divorce has never even crossed my mind so this statistic surprised me. Now that I think about it I can understand how so many people choose to leave their spouse after a brain injury. It is HARD! It's probably one of the hardest things any marriage will face. But I think that's what makes people with faith like yours so special. Although it's not a very positive statistic I hope it can encourage you a little to know that the choice you and ian have made to be together and stay together is something truly special.