on my worst days, the really bad days, thoughts and doubts and fears grind through my mind, "should we have done this? can our marriage really last our whole lifetime? will i be miserable by age 30?" the fears are suffocating and isolating and overwhelming. especially when i keep them trapped inside my own mind and don't share them with ian, or a close friend, or even my journal.
these seasons are long and scary. what if i ruin my marriage? why if i become so bitter that i don't even like my husband anymore? what if we never have relief from this?
recently as these thoughts were pummeling through my head, i think God cleverly and gently reminded me that leaving is not an option. i have made a covenant. and so spending time thinking on these fears was only producing in my heart a growing thought pattern that may someday build up to significant bitterness toward my spouse. significant bitterness that would feel trapped inside a covenant. it is not an option for our marriage to end. this is it. we're in it. it's too late to spend time on doubts and fears. like our wise dad told us before he passed away, someday we would have to look back on our decision to get married and know that we did it in faith, 10, 20, 50 years from now.
and this covenant is not meant to be a trap, so why waste my time there? i pray for good days and good thoughts toward my husband. and God does answer them. some days feel grueling (more to come another post on that) but even in the grinding, God can and will produce a sweetness for us. because He designed marriage. and he already has.
thank you, always, for praying