Apr 10, 2012

when I would rather live in my dreams

He was the old Ian, talking constantly, walking, recounting tiny details of his day. He was telling me that over the past week, he was really disappointed that I hadn't bought any juice at the grocery store, because he was sick of water. And I was so happy.

And then I woke up, the dream ending, turning over in bed to see my disabled Ian. And as each time I have these dreams, I wake up to a reality that feels colder, sadder, and not as fun as my dreams. The healthy Ian slips back into the past and a fractured day follows, a result of the absolute strangeness of brain injuries. A strangeness that forces me to be in love with two versions of Ian.

Unfortunately, I don't know what to do with dreams that are happier than life. It's probably normal, but without getting into interpreting dreams which I've never loved to do, I fall short in understanding what god is doing in us while we sleep. If even the winds obey him, then surely my dreams do too. And that's where I get stuck - why would god give me little glimpses of life with Ian better, only to snap me back into sadness with my alarm?

I don't want to stay there, though. Instead, I'd rather think of these dreams as being preludes to heaven. That's the only place that I'm guaranteed to see healthy Ian. And that's where we will know happiness, fully.

Instead of dreading these dreams, maybe I should welcome them. Or, I can at least try.

Thank you, always

I&L

11 comments:

Andrew Laparra said...

Larissa, I'm praying for grace today for you AND for Ian. Love you both!

Anonymous said...

That was a great post...maybe it can go in your book one day!!????
Praying still and dreaming of heaven with you-
Wendy in MD

Anonymous said...

My heart aches after reading your post. I had been trapped in reading happy ending books because I didn't want to deal with the pains of everyday life. I, too, have to think of the happy ending that is coming and try to focus on the grace for today, but sometimes it's really, really hard.

Leslie Dawn said...

Dear Larissa,
Sometimes I have dreams about our Laurie waking up. I know that what I meditate on influences my thinking, even my dreams. Longing for Heaven can make us dream of Heaven. When I was a new Christian, I'd read the Bible to our little ones & fall asleep in the sun. Beautiful dreams of Scriptures are pleasant. When our dreams make us discontent it may be because it is our dreams. And not God tormenting us. "The blessing of the LORD, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it."~Jeremiah 23:27-29

"The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat? saith the LORD. Is not my word like as a fire? saith the LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?"
~Proverbs 10:22 You both are a blessing to me and many as your life shows me Jesus. Thank you both♥♥ Excited about your book!

Leslie Dawn said...

I just got this on my FB. Timely!
I just love this!!! It may look like you haven't got a lot (and it may look like others have got it all, but don't let image fool you or get you envious!) It may look like you don't have a lot to work with...it may look like you are not prospering, but God may have something wonderful waiting for you!! It is not about what it looks like, it is not about what you can see in the phyisical...it is about what you believe in the SPIRITUAL!!! God is always working!!! God bless ♥ ♥ ♥

By: Christ Crew

Anonymous said...

Larissa,
I lost my son to SIDS 21 years ago at the age of 4 1/2 months. And every few years, I will have particularly vivid dreams of him, at whatever age he would have been at the time. Sometimes, I just see him and cannot speak with him, sometimes I am able to speak with him for a few minutes, but there is always some feeling that there is a time limit. But in my dreams, I am so happy seeing him and am so assured of his wholeness, health and supreme happiness that it is ultimately comforting to me. I am with you--dream interpretation may be going too far, but I have chosen to look at these dreams as "glimpses" of what is to come and as comfort to my aching and empty heart. It is a lot different than your situation, which I think may be harder, because you are dealing with two different realities. It would be hard to wrestle with your expectations, and frustrations, but I hope that the Lord can cause you to find comfort in the dreams and look forward to that blessed time in Heaven!
Leisa in Round Rock, TX

Leslie Dawn said...

Dear Larissa, I love these verses that reminded me of you♥ "Psalm 126

"When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream. Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them. The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad. Turn again our captivity, O LORD, as the streams in the south.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."

chanel paulk said...

i just really liked this post. thank you for posting it. it really encouraged me. praying for you guys :)

Hope Ford said...

Larissa, I just found yours and Ian's blog - and I am inspired. You are both amazing, and you are the wife I want to be (without idolizing you of course ;) I just want you to know that I think what you are feeling is normal, and my heart also aches for you in the pain you felt on this day. I hope you know that our family is praying for yours, and thank you for being so transparent with us.

Heather Clark said...

Darling Larissa... My friend posted your video just a day or two ago, and then I reposted it... It is beautiful and touching. My husband and I watched it together later, and without saying it, I know we both desire to have the kind of love the two of you share. I'm over here reading through your blog... and I have come across this post... and here are my thoughts: Maybe your dreams are not of the past, but of the future... not in Heaven, but here on Earth. Has the thought crossed your mind that God is going to completely heal him? Something AMAZING takes place when.... how many did you say had viewed your video? 350,000?? or so.....when THAT many people begin praying for someone. I also read that Ian's prayer request was to be able to walk again. I am believing for a COMPLETE healing and restoration of his body... here on earth. What man says is impossible, is COMPLETELY possible with God... What a beautiful testimony the two of you have and will continue to have. Let your faith take root and grow... you WILL reap the fruit. Blessings!!

Anonymous said...

Larissa... what a testimony you two are to the working of God's grace! I have a disability resulting from an accident that totally changed my life also (though I do not intend to imply that I understand what you go through, as everyone's experience is unique). But just to maybe encourage you, I've had a few dreams in which I'm taken back to life as it was (or perhaps as I imagine it could have been). I feel so at home & like everything is right - with no hint of disability & the feeling of everything being tinged with a bit of sadness, gone - like I am finally full again. I've learned to cherish these dreams as a tiny taste of what heaven will be like. And as sweet as these dreams are, I hold onto the promise of how much more infinitely sweet heaven will be where all will be made right & our truest & deepest desires will be fulfilled in the experience of God's infinite glory with never-ending, all-satisfying joy in him!!