Jan 14, 2008

Traumatic brain injury. It still doesn't seem like something that should describe someone in my life. I ran into a co-worker at Walmart today who had never met Ian, and I wondered what she thought when I said "This is my boyfriend, Ian." I wondered what she was saying to her boyfriend as they walked away from us. Was she trying to figure out what was wrong with Ian? Was she guessing what type of illness he had? Was she feeling badly for us?

I was sitting next to Ian's bed tonight looking at this picture of us, wondering if we will ever look this happy again. Life was so easy then. A picture of me smiling at Ruby Tuesday with Ian mockingly imitating my smile. I wonder if we'll ever go on a date where we can have conversation over our meal. Will we ever be able to leave Indiana without a caregiver coming with us? Can we ever take a weekend trip together? Will I ever get a simple voicemail on my phone from Ian again? Will he ever make me a birthday dinner again? Will he ever have a chance to buy that ring that he was shopping for?

There are so many things that I desire to do with Ian again. The simplest things that I always took for granted. Now I'd give anything to do them again.

Constantly praying for that end....



Anonymous said...

This is the first time in a while Larissa where I've "heard" the reality of Ians' injuries all but overcome you, in your comments. Sigh. I can only imagine the emotions and sheer spiritual battle it must be to remain hopeful. I don't claim to understand, but I do hope to stand with you in prayer. With tears in my eyes.

A very dear friend reads print outs I make of your blog, as she battles in her own way, a socially disabling, physically ailing, recovery-unknown, spiritually-dampening illness (for 3 years), and we both draw great strength/exhortation from insights you all share- honest, raw, hopeful, sometimes pained, but always we can see where your gaze is.... on the Healer in whom your hope lies. This is what makes this blog unique.

Oh sister that I've never met, hang onto the identity in Christ that Ian lays claim to, (maybe silently for the moment); for that identity is what makes him whole. Even with so-called normal function, all our limbs, good eyesight etc, we all not whole, until we are in a right relationship with God. Ian has been given that.

The world may look and not understand your relationship with Ian. In fact you can guarantee that at times, it won't. That will pain you.

Humbly I encourage you (knowing not how hard it is to walk the road you are on) to look to the "real" reality as only the redeemed can:(Heb12:2)
Ian's redeemed.
He lives in hope.
His life is sustained, each tenuous breath given by the Creator God.
Don't let the Enemy rob you of the joy that Jesus offers, that is still to be had in outings with Ian, indeed in journeying in this part of your relationship.
God is still in control. And His purposes are still good.

Darwin, Australia

Anonymous said...

We're praying with you for all these things.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks, Larissa. Thank you for your constant prayer and example of true trust in Jesus. It's amazing to me. Praying all the time. ~Sarah Kearney

Anonymous said...

I bet that as your co-worker was walking away she was telling her boyfriend that you were the most amazing woman she had ever met & that Ian was blessed to have you in his life.
I love you, Larissa! Constantly praying.
~Maelys :)

Anonymous said...

Praying for comfort, strength, and endurance. I too pray that sometime soon you and Ian will be able to do once more all that your heart desires.

sheep wanderer said...

Still praying with you Larissa, I haven't commented for a while, but I haven't forgotten you and Ian and Steve and family.


Teresa said...

As I read your entry a verse in Psalm 37 came to mind "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I pray, along with yourself and many others, that Ian will be healed and able to share those and many more things with you. If he's not healed in this lifetime, we can be assured that he will be in heaven.

I was reading my Streams in the Desert and Friday's message was about storing up comfort. "Dost thou wonder why thou art passing through some special sorrow? Wait till ten years are passed, and thou wilt find many others afflicted as thou art. Thou wilt tell them how thou has suffered and has been comforted." God does not comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters. I pray that you will feel God's arms around you. Know that you are not alone in this trial.

Thank you for sharing so honestly.
~Teresa, Lancaster, PA

Anonymous said...

prayed for you & Ian this morning and all the time larissa!

- mike hartnett

Ellen T said...

Sorry that I have been off the screen of comments, but not off of my time praying for Ian. Larissa, this post really hit my heart as I consider your thoughts and difficulties. God has given you such an amazing network, but it doesn't always help for those daily kinds of things like your thoughts. I pray for grace to increase in your giving and love to well up in your heart that will cover over the pain and questions.
Keep sharing even if it is something small because it helps all of us know what to pray and fight for.
Still standing with you on this!

Libby said...

Larissa, I have never met you, but have consistently prayed for you, Ian, and his family. I grew up with a very sick mother, and hear so clearly that desire for "normalcy." I encourage you that we as a family have grown immensely because of God's kindness to us through her sickness. Amazing what He uses to draw and keep our hearts close to His. Thank you for your example in loving Ian. He is a blessed man!

Marshall said...

If I were Ian and I regained my ability to speak, my first sentence would be, "Thank you Jesus!"

My second sentence would be "Thank you Larissa!"

Whatever this has cost you, know that your continued love is a great blessing to Ian and shows others an example of God's sacrificial love!

Mrs Manz said...

Hello Larissa,
I'm from Saskatchewan, Canada and I found your blog through a friend's link (she's in California).
Tonight God has used you and your transparency to take my eyes off of my own griefs and selfish thoughts and has turned my heart to pray for you and Ian... my heart hurts for your unknowns and uncertainties... but I do know that our God is a BIG God - capable of carrying even the feeblest of hearts.
Blessings and prayers to you and yours