Pray For Ian

a good man

2012-01-24T20:50:00.000-05:00

"you were almost dead. and now you're not."

"i needed you."

in my recent personal writings, and as i have thought back to the hospital, the therapies, sitting by a silent hospital bed, i have come to realize that i won't ever be able to capture in words what ian is to me. or what he is to our family. or the glory that god reveals of himself through ian. i can try to honor him and i can share the incredible faith that he has through this blog. but i'm not sure there are words to be put into sentences that can share fully what is most treasured about my husband. he has lost so much but he loves so much. he is a good man, just like his dad. he endures his life with kindness. and he loves me so very well.

tonight, a quiet date night, no fancy meals, just sweatpants and stillness, i am so very thankful for this man. and i am so glad that when we do someday part, it won't be for long.

thank you, for praying for my best friend.

with love
larissa

bless

2012-01-22T08:24:00.001-05:00

we're selling a few pray for ian tshirts to benefit our two little guys that we sponsor in uganda and zambia. all proceeds will go to either their school or church.

http://prayforian.bigcartel.com/

"i will abundantly bless her provisions; i will satisfy her poor with bread"

from him

2012-01-21T21:05:00.001-05:00

God might not heal me until heaven but I'm grateful even though, because he saved me.

He has been everything that I've lost.

- Ian

2012-01-17T16:08:00.001-05:00

Ian has been on set with vinegar hill the past few days as they work on their first full length film. Hope to post more photos of ian getting to watch what he loves.

Him

2012-01-11T05:53:00.001-05:00

He has a right arm that houses two metal plates and his mind has no control over getting it to move. So it stays still for most of the day unless being stretched. His right knee is fused in place at a slight angle and is beyond full repair because the damage is so deep. He has deep, deep scars on his scalp, his left arm also has plates, and he can't tell you what he ate by the time I'm washing his dishes. Everything he does is slower and harder than it used to be. But he is the happiest person that I know and he is the most forgiving husband I could ask for. He never speaks to me in anger and always wants to spend time with me. And when I look at his scarred body from that dumb accident, thoughts drift to heaven and his waiting treasures, for I'm sure there will be many.

Thank you, always.

Larissa

steps

2012-01-05T06:16:00.001-05:00

research alternative therapies. make him more independent in his eating. find more things for him to do during the day. work on recall. remind him of the date. the things that race through my mind, often filling me with guilt, that i'm not doing more, not taking on more, for ian. i know i can only do so much in a day on my own, but couldn't i fit in a few more? therapists and doctors would say, have said, that i can and should. am i giving ian the best chance to get better or have i become complacent in his condition now? what more can i be doing, should be doing. not new thoughts or guilts, but ongoing, nagging. they aren't all wrong - as ian's wife, primary caregiver and advocate, these are my responsibilities. but there are priorities. like reading god's word together. having times of rest. dates.

and so when i get glimpses that maybe i am helping him and that maybe i am doing something right, it is beautiful. last night as we walked from the bedroom to the kitchen table, caleb under his left arm and me moving his bad leg forward, it struck me. he didn't need a prompt to keep his legs moving. he didn't need me to tell him how to walk. he used to, but not now. he was taking steps. leaning on his brother, he was taking steps on his own accord. and even his bad leg was doing more. he was walking fast, and strong. what a beautiful reprieve - something is changing and something that we are doing is working.

thank you for your prayers.

forgiven much

2012-01-04T06:14:00.000-05:00

luke 7:47 therefore I tell you, her sins which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.

thinking on this passage during this cold Pennsylvania morning, snuggled with our bible and a cup of tea, i glanced up at the photo above our blue piano. all of my bridesmaids, smiling and loving much because they have been forgiven much. the girl in white, me, i think that i have been forgiven the most. what i was before i was saved and before i knew most of these girls, was depraved. but because jesus died for me, and because god now sees me as he sees jesus, completely washed white as snow, i am able to love much. and that's why these girls stood with me, along with guests at our wedding, and that is why we are able to love much. they all continue to pursue hard after god, for they know they have been forgiven much. their prayers and love carried us to that day in august. we weren't saved because we love much - we love much because we were forgiven so very much, forgiven more than our hearts know.

i want this to be a mark of our marriage - loving much. not because ian or i deserve it, or deserve a marriage like that. but because it should be a natural response flowing out of the forgiveness we have received.

thank you, always, and for loving much.

l

a weekend in the mountains

2012-01-02T08:39:00.002-05:00

2011-12-29T06:28:00.003-05:00

“hey larissa,” he yelled from the living room.

“what?”

“i’m uncomfortable.”

“can you ask caleb to help you,” as i prepared for tomorrow’s dinner.

“caleb, i’m uncomfortable.”

“one second,” said Caleb.

“one second,” he said, clearly keeping track of time for caleb.

this repeated probably five times - ian yelling from the living room that he was uncomfortable or that he needed his wifey. and all that i could see in my mind was walking into the hospital room the first time he was taken out of bed and put in a seated position, back in 2006, back in the ICU.

he looked....awful. i remember that being the first time that my then-boyfriend truly looked completely disabled, vegetative. and what made it awful was that i remember it being the first time that i realized he truly might not ever be the same again. i remember being with mary, and they had him in a special chair, with a special helmet on, and he was different.

“bless the lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy” psalm 103

ian will know this in the fullest measure in heaven, but we have tasted a glimpse of healing here. and while i know in my heart that my hope is not that ian was shown mercy and has improved, and that at any moment either of us could become sick or disabled, we get to enjoy these moments for the gifts that they are.

“forget not all his benefits”

always,

larissa

2011-12-27T06:09:00.001-05:00

"Before me, as behind, god is, and all is well."

Praying that our souls would be well.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T13:33:00.001-05:00

I know of a Name,
A beautiful Name,
That unto a Babe was given;
The stars glittered bright
Throughout that glad night,
And angels praised God in Heav'n.

Grateful

2011-12-21T05:41:00.001-05:00

Ian told me that I should post about gratefulness. Today's is simple, really.

"Ian I wish I had something interesting to tell you about my day."

"tell me anything about your day and it will be interesting to me."

Today, I'm
just glad that he can talk and that we made it through the years that he couldn't.

Thank you, always.

2011-12-08T17:58:00.001-05:00

A special post from our senior pastor:

I’m honored that Ian and Larissa have invited me to write a guest post on their blog. Ian and Larissa (as well as Ian’s Dad who went to be with the Lord a couple years ago), his mom Mary and his brothers) because for years they have faithfully glorified God in the midst of unimaginable suffering.

I’m humbled by the topic they asked me to write on - “an encouragement for some of our readers who may be disabled and have felt the impact that has on their ability to serve the church and what their "new" or "ongoing" role looks like.”

First of all, though I have experienced various trials, some harder than others, I don’t consider myself in the same league as Ian and Larissa and many other believers I know. As a pastor for over 30 years, I have seen many of God’s people suffer extraordinary trials. I’ve tried my best to enter in with many in their afflictions, but can’t possibly know the pain they’ve experienced. So I write on the authority of God’s Word and as a witness to a number of saints who have glorified Jesus in the midst of incredible suffering.

First, God knows best what will glorify him. God gave Paul a “thorn” in the flesh to glorify himself:

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Paul wouldn’t have chosen his thorn, but God knew what would best glorify him. Not only did Paul’s thorn keep him humble and dependent on God’s grace, but it formed the black velvet background to showcase the diamond of “the power of Christ.” Knowing this helped Paul find contentment in weaknesses, insults, and hardships, because in his weakness, the power of Christ shone through.

Somehow God will use your disability to display his power and glory. He does this as you rejoice in Christ and his salvation despite your affliction. As you display joy when the world would expect you to be depressed. As you to look to the interests of others instead of being consumed by your own suffering. As you continue to come to church, small groups and the life of the church. As you encourage others even when you are suffering.

We tend to evaluate our own “usefulness” based on what we can do for God. But God doesn’t evaluate us on that basis. As Oswald Chambers says,

God plants His saints in the most useless places. We say, "I should be here because I am so useful." Jesus never estimated His life by the standard of greatest use. God puts His people where they will glorify Him, and we are not capable of judging where that is. -- Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest

God planted Joseph in an Egyptian prison for 13 years. God put Moses in the desert for 40 years before calling him to deliver Israel from Pharoah.

David too spent lots of time in “useless places” - desert caves and strongholds hiding from Saul before God exalted David to became king.

Jesus spent 30 years in obscurity before a short 3-year ministry, then died a “failure” on the cross, having had seemingly little impact on Israel.

Paul spent lots of time in prison. He could have viewed his jail time as useless, but through his imprisonment the gospel spread to prisoners, guards and beyond. And Paul wrote a number of his letters from prison which we might not have had God not put him in a “useless” place.

My wife and I adopted our youngest son almost 21 years ago. He came to us through the ministry of a disabled woman named Eileen. Eileen had a form of dystrophy that bound her to a wheelchair much of her life. Eileen suffered a LOT. Yet she was always joyful and filled with faith. She must have been tempted to self-pity at times, but I never heard her once complain. Eileen was active in her church, counseled women and children, took foster children into her home, and adopted children. The last time I saw her before she went to be with the Lord, she was unable to swallow anything, even her own saliva, because of a particular physical affliction. Yet she was still cheerful and praising God.

You may not be able to glorify God in some of these ways because of your condition, but here are a few suggestions.

By reading or listening to God’s word and praying.

By whatever ways you are able to participate in the worship and life of your church - even if it’s just being there.

By trusting God and declaring to others that God is sovereign, good and wise.

By setting an example of faith and perseverance.

By rejoicing in all things and not complaining.

By depending on God.

By encouraging others.

By being content in Christ as your treasure even above your health and comfort

Activity doesn’t glorify God as much as patient trust in him. I love this quote by Charles Spurgeon and hope it encourages you:

Many who can labor without weariness cannot suffer without impatience. Men are seldom equally skilled in the use of the two hands of doing and bearing. Patience is a grace that is rarer and harder to find than activity and zeal.

The bottom line is that all of us must daily commit and devote ourselves to the glory of God, wherever he has us, whatever we must go through.

"We need to deal with God... that God may be glorified in our condition, whatever it is. If he wills for us to be rich and full, that he might be glorified in our bounty; if he wills us to be poor and low, that he may be glorified in our patience; if he will have us healthy, that he may be glorified in our labour; if he will have us sick, that he may be glorified in our pain; if he will have us live, that he may be glorified in our lives; if he will have us die, that he may be glorified in our deaths" (Romans 14:8). -- Thomas Manton

he notices

2011-12-07T06:55:00.002-05:00

ian had just gotten to the table, and i was standing at the counter working on dinner. he started a conversation,

"what are you doing"

"working on dinner"

"no, on your phone"

"oh, just emailing somebody"

then i had to walk over and give him an excited hug. "you can see me. and you can tell that i'm on my phone. and you're asking me what i'm doing."

in a non-brain injury relationship, that exchange wouldn't happen. it probably wouldn't be that exciting that your husband asked what you were doing. but for us - it's huge. sometimes i'm not sure that ian can even see me. he has one crazy eye from the accident that isn't normally in line with his left, and we've always been puzzled now by his eyesight. my typical test when he says he's looking at me - "is my hair up or down?" or "what color is my shirt?" He sometimes gets it right, but he also sometimes gets it wrong.

so as i was standing on the other side of the kitchen from him, his question took me back to the hospital rooms, back to the therapists comments, that he needed to initiate more, needed to be aware of his environment. and he is. he doesn't always ask those questions - but when he does, it is so sweet.

and these are the types of moments that are beauty in our marriage. we don't have moments of ian surprising me with cleaning the house, or making dinner, or planning a special date night. he can't serve me by setting the mouse traps in the attic or setting up the christmas tree. so our joy is added to in these little glimpses of mercy and little glimpses of ian's care for me - which really aren't that little for someone like ian.

grateful today that he notices me.

thank you, always,
larissa

A View from David

2011-12-01T06:40:00.005-05:00

Below is a small first glimpse of hopefully many from David, Ian's best friend, who has been a more faithful friend than we could have imagined.

I'm at the Vinegar Hill studio and I'm tap dancing. Ian is watching me, silently, a face that says "I'm completely unamused..."

I finish my routine and look to Ian. "What do you think?" I ask. Ian's response, completely deadpan: "Stop dancing."

We both laugh.

Ian and I hatched the idea for Vinegar Hill in 2006, less than 2 months before his accident. We had both returned from summer internships (Ian had crewed on an independent film and I had worked for a TV production company) and were dying to make a film together. I wanted to dive in, start writing, start prepping, and figure out the money thing later. But Ian was smart. He said that we needed to start company, to learn business, to get a good reputation (it's not that we had a bad reputation, we just had no reputation). I reluctantly agreed.

But then Ian had his accident and everything changed. I was faced with a decision. Go get a job at a production company out of town (there wasn't much film happening in Indiana, PA at the time)...or stay in town and start to build Vinegar Hill while Ian began working towards recovery. I stayed, compelled by this thought: if it was me who was in the accident, Ian wouldn't leave...

That was five years ago and by God's incredible kindness, Vinegar Hill is continuing to grow. There are four of us now: Ian, Mike Hartnett, Shep Ahlers, and myself. Ian comes in to the studio every afternoon. We drink coffee, listen to music, and hang out while I work. I've stopped asking Ian who he wants to listen to because he always says the same thing — "Switchfoot" (sorry Ian...I'm Switchfooted out right now...I need a break...)

God has done so much more than I thought possible that day of the accident, the doctor's said my best friend was going to die and now we get to spend time together every day. But there's still much sadness. Ian isn't able to play as active a role in the company as we would like. I think this is probably the hardest on Ian. Here I am, doing what both of us spent our childhood dreaming about, and in many ways Ian can only watch...

It would be so easy for him to be bitter and jealous. I probably would be. But here's the thing — Ian comes to the studio every day full of joy. He comes ready to laugh and joke and drink coffee and encourage the guys and me. How is that possible? It's possible because Ian has been transformed by Jesus. It's possible because he's not living for the things of this world, but for heaven. It's possible because he considers others more significant than himself.

I am so grateful to have Ian as a business partner. Every day, he is a picture of Jesus to me. I'm so grateful to have him as a best friend.

I finish my dance, Ian gives it the thumbs down, we laugh, and I get ready to dive back into work. I ask Ian who he wants to listen to. Without giving it a second thought he answers: "Switchfoot..."

how does a house feel empty

2011-11-29T17:31:00.004-05:00

how does a house feel empty when it's filled with my husband and all that is our marriage? i sometimes, not always, struggle with that feeling of empty, when it's just the two of us here, no tv making sounds (because we are too cheap to pay for channels!), just the hum of the dryer and the smell of cooking dinner. i know that i just married ian - not his family, or mine, or members of our church. our marriage is, in the most literal form, just me and him. and so it tugs at me when i feel emptiness in our aloneness.

and the more that i search my heart, the more i wonder if this can be true of a "normal" marriage, but also how much more so it may be for us living in disability. ian can't come bursting into the house telling me about his day, or fill the emptiness with piano music, or even wander around the house talking on his cell phone. all the things that seem to give fullness to a home, he can't do.

but i know that this emptiness in our house, while it is truly happening and is a feeling, it's just that - a feeling. it is not reality and it's not where my heart can or will stay. in god, there is fullness of joy. fullness. ian and i are not empty in this house, just as much as we are not full when we are in a crowd. and while it may take years for my heart to default to "feeling" full in the quietness of a brain injury, i think i will get there. i believe in my heart that there is a fullness to be had and experienced in this brain injury. and sweet ian already is there:) like in most things, he's better off than me.

has anyone else experienced this emptiness and how has the lord filled it?

thank you, always, for praying.

larissa

p.s. this picture is not actually our house, but wouldn't that be fun????

happy thanksgiving

2011-11-24T10:55:00.002-05:00

praying for a holiday weekend filled with mercy and comfort.

a normal day

2011-11-21T21:45:00.004-05:00

over the past few months, several of you have asked through comments for us to share what a normal day is like. i'm not sure why we haven't, but here it is:) obviously, this doesn't encompass everything like grocery shopping or getting ian's lunch ready each night, but hopefully it's a good glance inside. ian's schedule has changed pretty significantly this fall, as we have taken a break from therapy, so this is what "normal" looks like - at least for now.

ian's brother, caleb, comes each morning at six while i'm getting ready for work (in marketing at a local bank) - he covers the gap from when i leave to when our full-time caregiver comes. at eight when our caregiver arrives, he and ian go to mary's house to use the shower (ours at our rental is not accessible), eat lunch, and work-out. ian then usually has about two hours to spend in the office with vinegar hill, who just recently moved their offices from our home to space nearby. (you'll be hearing more of VH in upcoming posts, but it is a company that ian and his best friend david started their last semester of college, the year of ian's accident).

after time in the office, caleb comes back at 4:00 for the overlap again between when our caregiver leaves and when i come home. and once i'm home, i try to make life as "normal" as possible. we have dinner together, have a quiet time, watch "family ties," etc typical life stuff. caleb and ian usually go swimming one or two nights a week, and we try to walk each night (the photo above is ian walking tonight). a few nights each week we end up being with friends or the murphy's, with tuesday our official "date night."

we hope to be giving more glimpses into a typical day, but for now hopefully this is just a good idea of our run at normality.

thanks for reading and always praying for us. and for not being bored of us yet:)

with love,

i&l

Change is Good

2011-11-15T19:35:00.003-05:00

Ian and I have been talking about how we can change the blog to better serve our readers and those faithfully praying for us. Over the past five years, the blog has morphed significantly - initially set up as a way to update our friends and family on the constant changes to Ian's immediate health right after the accident, we now don't have many medical updates or big progress posts. We've entered into a new style of life, one that without a miracle, will become and has become the new normal. With that, we feel that the messaging of our blog has changed and will continue to change, hopefully without losing sight of the gospel or the reason that most of you visit the blog - to simply pray for ian.

Where we see the blog taking us for the next few months and if the lord allows, the next few years, is to really be able to share with our readers what it looks like to live in the midst of a significant disability at a young age and what it means as a christian to live that every day. and, more importantly, to not just live it, but to share the battle to see the beauty and grace that encompasses a life (and marriage ) disabled. we know that our blog already has expressed this in some ways, but we want to be more intentional in what we share and how we share it.

The first addition is a new daily gratefulness list, which is a right-link as a flickr photo stream. We know that daily thanking God for all of his blessings is critical in fighting against bitterness in the face of suffering. colossians 3:15 says it best - "and be thankful."

We also have some exciting ideas and really great things coming up the first of the year to share with everyone.

More importantly, we want each of you, our readers, to know that you have played a role in our lives that we won't fully understand until we reach heaven. in ian's words, "thank you."

We are grateful and continue to pray for grace to humbly share our lives/struggles/joys with you.

with love

i&l

The gospel

2011-11-08T06:11:00.003-05:00

our marriage could not exist outside of the gospel. i know what my heart goes through in a day. 'The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. (Genesis 6:5 ESV). we could not recover from our worst days without the gospel, and our good days would be empty.

thankful today for the gift of jesus' death and the hope of heaven that it incurred.

2011-11-07T10:47:00.001-05:00

Beautiful morning walk to the office. We are loving fall.

Please pray today that ian would have a big view of god.

Thank you always
I & L

2011-10-31T18:51:00.003-04:00

"There are seas of suffering that the sufferer must navigate alone. You need not even appeal to friends for consolation. What do they know about your inner sorrow? No other sail is in sight. Scan the horizon and nothing is seen but wave after wave. Now is your hour for faith in the great Lord, who holds even lonely seas in the hollow of His hand. He knows your poor body, and he permits it to be frail. He permits your heart to tremble because He will glorify Himself in His tenderness to your weakness. He will make you strong. "

-Spurgeon

there is much comfort in hearing a saint who has gone on before us speak of the loneliness of suffering. and to speak of it as something that is real- for what do even our closest friends and spouses know of our inner sorrow? no one knows but the lord. and the emptiness of suffering that makes you feel alone in a room of 1,000 will continue until we meet the lord. it doesn't mean there aren't times of fellowship that help to lift the darkness for awhile, but when i lie down at night, it is only my heart that is with me, not my friend's and not my husband's.

for us who face what seems to be constant waves, the sweet reminder to "fear not for i am with you; be not dismayed, for i am your god. i will strengthen you, yes, i will help you, i will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

thank you, always

i&l

Help Fight Brain Cancer

2011-10-31T14:27:00.009-04:00

Thank you so much for your prayers, for the ways you all have blessed Ian & Larissa and the rest of my family.

As most of you know, I have been writing music for a few years now. From now until the end of 2011, for anyone who downloads any of my music or buys a T-shirt from my website, I will donate all* of the money I receive from every purchase to National Brain Tumor Society and Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure in my dad's memory. Here are the different ways people can give:

1) Download music

2) Buy a T-shirt

3) Give directly to N.B.T.S.

4) Give directly to A.B.C.C.

Thank you so much.

Caleb

*Bandcamp.com, Spreadshirt.com and Tunecore.com (iTunes/Amazon) take a small fee out of every purchase

update on therapy

2011-10-23T07:55:00.004-04:00

i'm not sure that we have given an update really on therapy, since we were switching to new therapists. we did go to new therapists for a few weeks but are taking a break until after christmas. the therapists will evaluate ian again in january in the hopes of identifying new goals for him.

having a spouse with a disability offers constant temptation to feel guilty for all that i'm not doing for ian, either because of laziness or because i simply can't fit it into a day. please pray for ian and i that we would receive wisdom in how much we should be pursuing and also that ian would continue to make great progress.

thank you for your constant prayers

i&l

2011-10-10T20:50:00.002-04:00

Therefore it is that god's people pass through great tribulation; therefore is is they are often called upon to suffer the sting of affliction and anxiety, or weep over the grave of those whom they have loved as their own soul. it is their Father's hand that chastens them; it is thus He weans their affection from things below and fixes them on himself; it is thus He trains them for eternity, and cuts the threads one by one that bind their wavering hearts to earth. No doubt such chastening is grievous for the time, but still it brings many a hidden grace to light, and cuts down many a secret seed of evil; and we shall see those who have suffered most shining among the brightest stars in the assembly of heaven. the purest gold is that which has been longest in the refiner's furnace. the brightest diamond is often that which has required the most grinding and polishing. but our light affliction endureth but for a moment, and it worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. the saints are men who have come out of great tribulation- they are never left to perish in it. the last night of weeping will soon be spent, the last wave of trouble will have rolled over us, and then we shall have a peace that passeth all understanding; we shall be at home for ever with the lord.

j.c. ryle

two.years

2011-10-08T09:00:00.005-04:00

two years ago today, a good man met god. a good man who before and after his cancer diagnosis, had lived to prepare his family and his church for heaven. he left us well, and provided for, and loved. everyone who knew him has felt different losses of him simply not being here with us anymore, but he left us with so very much. mary still carries his counsel in her heart to share with us, ian speaks the same bold truths to me that steve would, ben has his simple faith and dependence in god, caleb looks exactly like him, devon knows god well as he did and lydia treasures her memories of dates and professor kooky stories at bedtime.

wee miss him and can't wait to see him again.

i&l

five.years.

2011-09-30T09:28:00.002-04:00

i was standing outside my car on oak street, waiting for a text back from ian. i think it was just a simple text about loving him, but he was always quick to get back to me, especially those types of messages. jan and i had just gotten back from a morning trip to greensburg for our friend’s wedding shower gift, which happened to be that afternoon. i walked off oak street and into the house, quickly wrapping gifts and getting ready for the shower. still no word from ian. i had only talked to him the night before, his grandparents were in town and he was heading over to david’s for a night with his guys as i was heading out the driveway. we hugged in the driveway, he in a huge, absurd jacket to keep him warm on his few mile walk. he was requesting blueberry pancakes the next morning from his mom, to enjoy with his grandparents. he was going to be leaving in the morning to drive to pittsburgh to work, and wanted me or caleb to go with him, but both of us were busy.

after wrapping gifts, hopping into my car to drive to the shower, still no word from ian. maybe he lost his phone. i met up with mary at the shower and started laughing with all of my girlfriends. my worry for ian wasn’t in the way, I just wanted to hear from him. the shower started and we opened with a time of prayer and worship. a song with the chorus of trusting god. trusting god. trusting god. somehow amidst our singing, carolyn, our host, was able to hear her phone ringing. able to give the phone to mary. steve was on the other line. mary reached her arm around me and whispered, “ian was in an accident. he’s in a pittsburgh hospital. we need to go.” then my crying, quick fearful hugs from friends, a car ride to meet steve, questions, questions, questions.

we met steve at ian’s house, and i think that we were all clueless to what we should be thinking or feeling. steve had talked to the social worker from the hospital, the call that no one wants to get but too many people do. all we knew was what mary had already told me. so we started driving the hour long drive. that worship chorus running through my head. my only adjoining thought of please god, don’t let it be his head. anything but his head. i didn’t know anything about head injuries, but i told god that i could handle anything but that.

the hospital came and so did the social worker. and ian’s belongings. and after what felt like years, the news that ian was in brain surgery, had significant brain damage, and we wouldn’t know until surgery was done if he would even last through the night. my wonderful boyfriend, in an instant of distraction while driving to work, was slammed under an SUV and extracted by the jaws of life. who ian was for 21 years was left in the car that was towed off the highway.

david came, my parents and sister came, ian’s family came. all in the first night. we tried to sleep on the floor of the waiting room, but sleep was gone. my mom came with me the first time i went in to see ian after surgery, the only skin i could easily find were his right fingers, which were so close to his poor, injured brain. but he was there. somewhere. and he was fighting.

the next few days are a blur, snippets of memories of people, scripture, prayer, hope, fears, crying. reports that ian was failing three out of five brain activity tests. meeting with the murphy boys, mary and steve to talk about ian’s funeral. we had to prepare. we prayed for miracles but since it was our family, our lives, we had to be ready. ready even though caleb’s words “he’s not dead yet” turned out to be more true than we realized at the time.

the blur continues and i’m sure if i referenced my old journals my memory would be jolted, but one morning, a few days after september 30, a waiting room just down the hall from the first, we were told that ian was over the hump, a hump that we didn’t know existed. overnight his brain began responding. overnight god baffled the doctors. overnight god mercifully answered our pleas. overnight god showed us that he had more plans for ian. we would later find out, four years later, from ian’s brain surgeon, that ian was the sickest patient he had ever seen who lived. the sickest patient. who lived.

five years ago today. one post today on the anniversary does not come near to saying all that needs to be said of god and all that needs to be said of ian and of his family and my hope is that someday we say it in a book. my heart could say 1,000 things but this morning, i’m sitting in our home, drinking tea and smelling baking apple crisp, ian comfortably resting underneath our feather blanket. our dear cousin is here visiting, bringing with her many laughs, and tomorrow caleb will marry our best friend. we have five nieces and nephews, and ian’s company gets to work from our home. and one of us has already claimed his reward in heaven and ian will get there too. and i see that our lives are full. they are sad and exhausting, but they are full. and god is the one who has filled them.

for five years of moving through this with us, thank you.

i&l

delightful days

2011-09-24T22:37:00.005-04:00

we spent our day under a tree in our yard. so cozy. i was happy to host a bridal brunch for our dear friend and sister-in-one-week. i love days that are simple and beautiful- so refreshing to laugh with friends and family and just exist together.

2011-09-13T20:17:00.001-04:00

So what is love? What does it mean to be loved by Jesus? Love means giving us what we need most. And what we need most is not healing, but a full and endless experience of the glory of God. Love means giving us what will bring us the fullest and longest joy. And what is that? What will give you full and eternal joy? The answer of this text (1 john 11:1-16) is clear: a revelation to your soul of the glory of God—seeing and admiring and marveling at and savoring the glory God in Jesus Christ. When someone is willing to die—or let your brother die—to give you (and your brother) that, he loves you.

Love is doing whatever you have to do to help people see and treasure the glory of God as their supreme joy—to help people see and be satisfied with the glory of God.

-john piper

2011-09-11T21:54:00.003-04:00

as we gathered for worship this morning in church, as children of god, and objects of his love, my heart was drawn to the sadness that still surrounded us. broken and failing bodies, suffering relationships, chronic illness. my church isn't immune to deep sorrow and loss. god's children were never promised that. and the more we live, the more we will see this sorrowful pattern. we can't build walls to protect ourselves against tragedy. we can try to live cautiously, but our actions can't alter god's hand. some days i think that i understand the truths in suffering. but most days i dont. but as the our blog title says, now we know in part. our dad, steve, now knows fully. some day ian and i will too. the intersection of god's sovereign love and our loss will make sense - fully.

until then we have to keep trusting and rejoicing in all that god is, despite what we can't figure out or know. i have a feeling that we will make our way to heaven very wearied. but that might just be the best way to go.

thank you for praying

i&l

2011-09-06T20:33:00.002-04:00

happy 36th wedding anniversary to our wonderful parents. you are the most generous and faithful couple that we have ever known. thank you for your example of christ-like love through all of the unexpected turns of life and marriage. you are storing up for yourselves incredible rewards in heaven.

we love you both

i&l

our anniversary trip

2011-09-01T23:04:00.005-04:00

Home

2011-08-31T07:10:00.007-04:00

i love what has been our home for the first year. we've made so many wonderful memories.

Eight twenty eight.

2011-08-28T07:52:00.001-04:00

I love you larissa. Happy anniversary. Happy birthday dad. I miss you.

Ian.

Life.

2011-08-26T19:54:00.001-04:00

Great start to an anniversary weekend. Slumber party with some of our loves.

2011-08-21T22:43:00.001-04:00

while mary is off gallivanting in italy, her family takes care of each other. based on his face, ian couldn't be happier.... :)

the view from a bike

2011-08-17T06:40:00.002-04:00

it is much different than riding my car. suddenly things that were unseen are seen and can be smelled and almost felt. like the fragrant apple trees that line the sidewalk that i pass and the family name on the mailbox on that one back road. the house that was converted to have a ramp and a van that looks like ours. the smell of all the neighbors cutting their grass and the woman running the daycare who's life looks really fun but i'm sure still has days of feeling meaningless. i can't see these from my car but they're always there. and i wonder if this seeing is what life would be like to live with gratefulness. colossians 3 says simply "and be thankful." if i'm practicing gratefulness, will my eyes be opened to all that is around me, as they are on my bike rides? will the world somehow become different to me? if so, i need to be within the small "thanks," because the big ones just feel impossible.

thank you for praying for us.

2011-08-15T16:39:00.000-04:00

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Is god in the wind

2011-08-09T18:53:00.001-04:00

i have spent the first year of marriage trying to create a new life for, a happier world for ian. we've tried to learn to love god more, we've surrounded ourselves with beautiful friends, ive worked to decorate our home with loveliness, have spent countless hours with our loving families. we live in a great house that right now is covered by a beautiful breeze and is surrounded by green trees and grass. and it feels right and full and good. but at the end of the day, the home that i want to create for ian is an impossible task. the life that we want to have, free of disabilities and therapy and deficiencies is not up to us at all. and the One who could change it, hasn't.

so i'm left with a great task. to keep digging for contentment, digging, digging and digging.

and as i share my heart with my wonderful husband, his words are "i'm so glad that god gave me a wife." such simple gratefulness. maybe i'll catch up with him someday.

thanks for praying
laris

2011-08-03T18:16:00.001-04:00

spending a week at the lake with our lovely family!

when we return home, ian will be starting therapy at a new hospital with new therapists. we're excited to have new eyes and new ideas, and also his new doctor will now be able to oversee his therapy. ian had been in the same therapy routine for four years, so i'm praying that this change will bring great things for him.

it's so easy to get discouraged when ian has sleepy days or days with less communication. being at the lake brings back sad memories of when ian and steve were healthy, but also reminds us of how far that ian has come since his accident. i still have so much to learn about being a good wife to ian and a best friend to him. one of the greatest thoughts that needs to rule in my heart is that god is the author of our marriage, not man, and that god will see us through to the end.

so thankful for vacations and escapes from some of the realities of life. have a happy weekend.

i&l

2011-07-20T22:57:00.003-04:00

only great friends like this could pull a western party together in two days and look this good

just a glimpse of our summer. fun.

i&l

2011-07-11T23:13:00.002-04:00

WOW have i been awful at writing on here! life has been crazy, including a few days of filming at our house for a small project that we're part of, plus the usual and fun summer activities and sunburns. thank you all who are still praying for and following us. i hope to post something more meaningful soon

i&l

2011-06-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

My very dear child, What shall I say! A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands upon our mouths! The Lord has done it. He has made me adore his goodness, that we had [your father] so long. But my God lives; and he has my heart. O what a legacy my husband, and your father, has left us! We are all given to God; and there I am, and love to be. Your affectionate mother, Sarah Edwards. (Marriage to a Difficult Man, by Elizabeth Dodds, p. 196)

Our dads

2011-06-20T22:34:00.004-04:00

happy father's day to the two best dad's in the universe, one of which we miss dearly. no one could love us better than you two.

we're headed to the mountains for a few days. enjoy the summer warmth.

i&l

what would it be like

2011-06-15T21:50:00.005-04:00

spending a day in pittsburgh always makes me imagine a totally different life. riding a bike through the city to work, both of us headed to a creative job, meeting up for dinner at five, going for a run through a park or visiting a museum. all things that sound so wonderful, and so enjoyable, and so un-brain injury-like. i saw hundreds of people today doing what seemed like that very thing and they sure appeared happy from the outside. and its hard to be happy for them because disability is my lens. and it leaves me wondering what it would be like...

...what it would be like to have a husband who could be alone in the house and still be safe. for my husband to move from the living room to the kitchen whenever he wanted. to have a husband who can walk to his dresser in the morning. to spend a night cleaning my house without feeling guilty because my husband can't entertain himself. to simply live one day without this disability.

but that's not what we have now. and we might not ever have it. and it isn't how god has chosen to show his love for ian or myself. he has chosen to show his love and mercy toward us in a life that often feels unbearable but always ends in grace. he has chosen us for even this specific day, brain injury and all, fears and uncertainties and all. and those are the moments that we have to live in. the daily grinding through a life that doesn't "feel" good or easy all the time. i think i'm starting to learn that in those moments is really where i have to be obedient and where i am going to most visibly see that this truly is from a loving father.

"The Lord Jesus is a deep sea of joy: my soul shall dive therein, shall be swallowed up in the delights of His society." -spurgeon

2011-06-14T23:06:00.001-04:00

These sins of ours, before and after conversion, would consign us to the place of inextinguishable fire if it were not for gods sovereign mercy, which snatched us like sticks from the fire. My soul, bow down under a sense of your natural sinfulness and worship your God.
- spurgeon

As a side note, I realized tonight that Ian's wedding band is missing, and it was steves. I'm finding peace in gods sovereignty over all things but something like this is so sad to me because ian ans i dont have anything else of Steve's left as precious as his wedding band. Please pray that we would find it.

Thank-you always

I&L

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life

2011-06-05T21:28:00.001-04:00

With five nieces and nephews under the age of five, we've had lots of love so far this summer. We've been laying under lot of trees, swimming and just trying to be happy.

Cheers for a long happy summer.

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2011-05-30T22:43:00.002-04:00

We had a fantastic three-day weekend, kicked off by a great wedding between our friends Mike and Jocelyn, followed by traveling to my sister's to see her son be dedicated to the Lord. And it ended today with a few hours in a pool and relaxing on the porch.

I've been reminded often recently of how full our lives are and our marriage is. Even though it's a battle every day to be content in God and a continuing struggle to learn to accept Ian's disability, God has filled our lives to the brim with faithful family and friends. We have five nieces and nephews under the age of five, Murphy and Whiteley families that love us to death, and our house is never empty of friends. We have lived through a long season of feeling isolated that only intense disability can bring, only to find a beautifully filled life waiting on the other side. so thank you to all of our incredible family and friends for loving us so well.

here's to what hopefully becomes a great summer.

i&l

p.s. is it just me, or do ian and i look like we could be related in this pic??

2011-05-23T21:18:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. We don't have any significant updates, except that Ian's new doctor is trying some new routes to stimulate ian's brain. we're praying that they work and that the side effects are minimal.

the knee surgery may still be an option but it's a huge decision that we are hoping to spend time praying about and thinking through the consequences either way.

thank you for praying with us for so many years.

i&l

another week

2011-05-15T22:46:00.002-04:00

after a good weekend, a new week starts. after our appointment with the surgeon last week, we are unsure whether we should proceed with the surgery, but we are leaning towards not. there are very serious risks with limited expectation for improvement.

please pray for wisdom for this as we continue to pray and think about the surgery, as well as some upcoming and needed changes to ian's therapy routine.

"Death's black extinguisher must soon put out thy candle. Oh! how sweet to have sunlight when the candle is gone! The dark flood must soon roll between thee and all thou hast; then wed thine heart to him who will never leave thee; trust thyself with him who will go with thee through the black and surging current of death's stream, and who will land thee safely on the celestial shore, and make thee sit with him in heavenly places for ever."

Joy Comes In The Morning

2011-05-13T15:09:00.004-04:00

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
Psalm 30:5

Christian! If thou art in a night of trial, think of the morrow; cheer up thy heart with the thought of the coming of thy Lord. Be patient, for

"Lo! He comes with clouds descending."

Be patient! The Husbandman waits until he reaps his harvest. Be patient; for you know who has said, Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give to every man according as his work shall be. If you are never so wretched now, remember

"A few more rolling suns, at most, Will land thee on fair Canaan's coast."

Thy head may be crowned with thorny troubles now, but it shall wear a starry crown ere long; thy hand may be filled with cares--it shall sweep the strings of the harp of heaven soon. Thy garments may be soiled with dust now; they shall be white by-and-by. Wait a little longer. Ah! how despicable our troubles and trials will seem when we look back upon them! Looking at them here in the prospect, they seem immense; but when we get to heaven we shall then

"With transporting joys recount, The labours of our feet."

Our trials will then seem light and momentary afflictions. Let us go on boldly; if the night be never so dark, the morning cometh, which is more than they can say who are shut up in the darkness of hell. Do you know what it is thus to live on the future--to live on expectation--to antedate heaven? Happy believer, to have so sure, so comforting a hope. It may be all dark now, but it will soon be light; it may be all trial now, but it will soon be all happiness. What matters it though weeping may endure for a night, when joy cometh in the morning?

Charles Spurgeon
Morning and Evening
Morning, May 13

___________________

Just as the bitter winter comes before the summer, so do sufferings before the heavenly reward.

-Caleb

open your eyes so you can see the road

2011-05-10T21:36:00.004-04:00

is what i found myself saying to ian tonight as he drove his wheelchair on our walk. it was meant simply as a reminder to open his squinting eyes just enough to see the road that he needed to drive on. the asphalt itself wasn't that pretty and we had to watch a few potholes. but the beauty around it was clear- a big green field, full trees, dandelions along the edge of the road.

in that moment, i realized that i needed to do in my heart what i was telling ian to do with his wheelchair. it was a particularly hard day, with words like plateau and baseline thrown in to a conversation about ian's progress (or lack of) and i found myself thrown into spiraling thoughts, fearing ian's future, fearing physical decline, fearing that i won't be able to give my husband what he needs. and while i was thinking of all of those things, i had my eyes closed to anything beautiful. before we left for our walk, i told ian that i needed to see god. i needed to see him in way that would refresh my thoughts that god is still here and god still makes beauty in the midst of our ugly mess. i needed to have my eyes opened to the beauty that was around the road, not the road itself. the beauty that was ahead of the road, not the potholes that we had to steer around.

it is so so hard to see beauty when i'm surrounded by nature that is groaning for the return of the lord. it's so hard to see beauty when i'm being told that my husband won't get any better. but it has to be in there somewhere. somewhere.

thank you for your constant prayers for ian. tomorrow we see the surgeon for a consultation on his knee. please pray that we would make a good decision in faith that god will provide for us.

l (&i)

2011-05-09T06:40:00.003-04:00

happy belated mother's day to the two best moms in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one thousand gifts

2011-05-03T20:34:00.004-04:00

i have to shamelessly promote this book, because it has been changing my thought life since i started reading it. it is one of the most beautiful stories i have read and happily reminds me of my favorite, stepping heavenward by elizabeth prentiss. a perfect book for anyone looking to see more of god.

more info here

Team 828

2011-05-01T20:17:00.004-04:00

We just got back from our 5k in d.c. for brain cancer awareness/research in honor of steve. thank you everyone who ran/walked with us and everyone who donated to our team.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. romans 8.28

8.28.60 steve

8.28.11 i&l

good for my soul

2011-04-18T23:02:00.002-04:00

i am reading "a grace disguised" on my lunch breaks, which is a great way to direct my thoughts halfway through the day. i came across this passage today and was struck by my desire to hopefully feel this way someday as well:

I still remember the accident. who could forget the horror of it? but I also remember what has happened since. who would want to forget the wonder of that? my memory has become a source of healing for me. it reminds me of the loss. but it also tells me that the loss was not simply the ending of something good; it was also the beginning of something else. and that has turned out to be good too.

ian's brain injury in itself isn't a good thing. it's horrible. and sad. and discouraging. and changes everything about our lives. but it has been the beginning of something else and i have to trust in our wise and gracious god, that this way was better than health. i certainly don't feel it but i have to know it in my head, or else these days are just far too long.

thanks as always for praying.

2011-04-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, husband. You are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God They're Wrong

2011-04-11T18:42:00.005-04:00

Our talented brother, Caleb, released today his second EP, "Thank God They're Wrong," which is also available with a book written by one of our pastors, "The Greener Grass Conspiracy." The book, and the album, are based on contentment, which is something that Ian and I grapple through every day. So, we highly recommend both:) Caleb's album can be downloaded here. Enjoy!

2011-04-06T07:02:00.001-04:00

It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.

The law of your mouth is better to me
than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

Your hands have made and fashioned me;
give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.
Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice,
because I have hoped in your word.

I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

Let your steadfast love comfort me
according to your promise to your servant.
Let your mercy come to me, that I may live

psalm 119

2011-03-28T22:16:00.002-04:00

on wednesday we are headed to new orleans to celebrate our beautiful cousin's wedding with this lovely family pictured above. we are definitely looking forward to the warmer temps and time away from work and therapy. i'm sure there won't be posts until we get back so have a wonderful week everyone!

l&i

2011-03-22T18:53:00.004-04:00

One of the results of meeting with our new doctor is the possibility to have a complete knee replacement for Ian. If you don't remember or never knew, one of Ian's knees is fused together from the accident- he was going to have surgery on it a few days after the accident, but God caused the bones to fuse together on their own which meant no needed surgery.

Now, we are in the position and have the opportunity to consider a knee replacement, with the hopes that it gains enough movement for Ian to use it while re-learning how to walk. His original orthopedic surgeon is willing to do it for him but it is a very big decision for us, as there are risks of infection with such a huge surgery, not to mention the recovery period.

Please pray for wisdom as Ian and I face this decision and that we would have faith in God's character regardless of the path we choose or the outcome.

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations

Deut 7:9

2011-03-14T23:15:00.004-04:00

thanks to these wonderful ladies and a few others who couldn't attend, i had the best surprise birthday weekend trip ever. and hence a fantastic weekend. so glad god has surrounded me with people who love us.

2011-03-07T22:55:00.002-05:00

Little-faith says, "It is a rough road, beset with sharp thorns, and full of dangers; I am afraid to go;" but Great-faith remembers the promise, "Thy shoes shall be iron and brass; as thy days, so shall thy strength be:" and so she boldly ventures. Little-faith stands desponding, mingling her tears with the flood; but Great-faith sings, "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:" and she fords the stream at once.

charles spurgeon

thank you all who prayed for our appointment last week. our new doctor is very willing to help us and try new things for ian. please pray for wisdom as we make decisions moving forward and that we would have faith to act on the wisdom god has given us.

Sadness doesn't go away

2011-03-02T21:54:00.002-05:00

hope deferred makes the heart sick

being married hasn't made me less sad. and i dont think i expected it to. it's actually made me more sad. i remember leading up to our wedding, i felt my sadness changing from an inward "look at everything that happened to my life and to ian's life" to a deeper understanding and feeling of what ian had lost himself. as i grew closer to being his wife, and now after six months as his wife, i still have selfish sadness but i have much more sadness for ian and the life the he lost, the abilities that he lost and the future that he lost. i see much more closely every day how that horrific accident on september 30 changed his life forever. in an instant. i truly can't imagine thirty years of growing sadness, but if we live that long, our sadness will multiply. but so also will our longing for heaven and that is what gives us hope, even if our hearts are sick. i can't wait for ian to get there and i pray that he gets there first. i'm just so glad jesus died for us.

thank you

i&l

(tomorrow we have our first visit with a new doctor in pittsburgh that will hopefully lead to better things for ian. any prayers would be lovely)

Happy Six-Month Anniversary, husband:)

2011-02-28T18:50:00.002-05:00

2011-02-21T19:15:00.003-05:00

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness

so happy to welcome our new nephew into the world.

2011-02-08T20:44:00.003-05:00

Our wedding was featured today in an online magazine. Thanks to our wonderful photographer and friend, www.lydiajane.com, Utterly Engaged wanted to feature us in this month's publication. Follow the link below and travel to page 191. Enjoy!

clickhere

Race for Hop D.C.

2011-02-07T19:12:00.001-05:00

Several of us will be running the the Race for Hope again in D.C. in May. Ian will be coming this year too! If you want to join our team, click here. We're doing this in honor of Steve.

Thanks, as always.

2011-01-25T18:12:00.002-05:00

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Why Did We Anoint My Husband (Again?)

2011-01-18T19:17:00.004-05:00

This week in church, we were reminded of our need to pray expectantly, not because of the power of the person praying, but because we are asking things of a great God. At the end of the message, Ian received prayer and was anointed by our pastor.

And this is all an appropriate response to sickness, according to the Bible, particularly James 5. It's just that we've done it so many times. And Ian is still severely disabled. He has been anointed by various pastors within our family of churches but he still has not been healed as we have asked. Steve was anointed, and prayed over, and he still died. Our good friend Beth has been anointed multiple times and has still suffered migraines for ten years.

So why do we keep anointing Ian and praying for healing? Why, even when I feel completely deflated, tired of asking the same thing, sick of standing at the front of the church for prayer and all too aware that Steve is gone which means it didn't "work," do we keep going forward?

I don't know. My flesh doesn't want to. My sinful nature doesn't believe that God can do it. Because it hasn't happened yet. And because my flesh is not long suffering.

But if I let go entirely of even the tiny grasp that I have on the truth that God can heal Ian, then I am disregarding who God is. God is able, but not required, to heal Ian. And it scares me to think that he won't, because I don't know what that means. I can't figure out a God who doesn't heal.

But as Steve often told me, even if God doesn't heal Ian, He is still good. He will always be good. Even if my flesh can't understand continued disability and sickness. And we can't let ourselves forget that He is good and He is merciful. And that is why we still pray. And anoint. Because regardless of how I feel, the Bible tells me that God is able. So when I drag my feet toward expectant prayer and wrestle to believe in its effect, I am still praying to a good God. When my faith feels like a tiny thread, God has a stronghold on my life. When I offer up the weakest prayers, because of Jesus they are still beautiful and acceptable to God.

Thank you for your expectant prayers for four years.

Larissa

Wedding Highlights Reel

2010-12-28T17:57:00.002-05:00

Ian + Larissa — wedding highlights from Vinegar Hill on Vimeo.

password: murphy

2010-12-26T20:35:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-14T19:28:00.002-05:00

A message from Ian as we talked about god's ability, but not guarantee, to heal him:

"my affliction has kept me closer to god because im always asking for his help. he's lord and i'm aware of it."

i have tons to learn from my husband.

How is this love

2010-12-08T21:20:00.004-05:00

...is something that i've struggled with since ian's accident. i vividly remember a conversation with steve in the kitchen about my struggle with seeing a brain injury as an act from a loving, sovereign god. when i strip away what has been produced as a result of ian's accident, be it forms of sanctification, answered prayers, etc., and just look at the bare bones- that my husband has a horrible, life-changing brain injury- it feels nothing like love. ian's brain injury itself hasn't brought me comfort, or encouragement or anything else that would typically come with love.

for others out there reading who have experienced significant loss or ongoing disability, hopefully you can affirm, that this seems like it will be a life-long wrestling with what this trial "feels" like. i know in my head the truth of romans 8:28 that all things work together for good. i know that god is sovereign. i know that we are objects of his mercy and love, and not his wrath, because of what christ accomplished on the cross. but trying to get that to my heart when i get home at 4:00 and ian doesn't remember that i was gone at work all day (which happens on occasion) is an entirely different monster. living with an ongoing disability as significant as ian's will in turn, i know, produce beautiful fruit and eternal rewards. i know that we most rapidly become like christ when we are tested by fire. it's just really painful getting there.

"But before I go, I want once more to tell you how good He is, how blessed it is to suffer with Him, how infinitely happy He has made me in the very hottest heat of the furnace. It will strengthen you in your trails to recall this my dying testimony. There is no wilderness so dreary but that His love can illuminate it, no desolation so desolate but that He can sweeten it. I know what I am saying. It is no delusion. I believe that the highest, purest happiness is known only to those who have learned Christ in sickrooms, in poverty, in racking suspense and anxiety, amid hardships, and at the open grave...To learn Christ, this is life!"" elizabeth prentiss

Our First Christmas Tree

2010-12-04T22:50:00.001-05:00

2010-11-30T18:00:00.003-05:00

Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy guilty fears;

The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears:

Before the throne my surety stands,

My name is written on His hands.

Steve is enjoying blessings greater than we can imagine, all because of what Christ did for us on the cross. Even just a few days of seasonal colds has been a good reminder to us of how fleeting and weak our bodies are. It was not long ago that we watched Steve pass from this life into the next, and in a few short weeks went from an incredibly active father and husband to being raised into heaven with Christ. And it won't be long until we are there with him. And it won't matter what we bought for christmas this year, or how much money we made at work or what smartphone we had. How my heart is so easily taken up with such insignificant things. It wasn't long ago that we were in an ICU with Ian, and then with Steve, and eternity was much more clearly hanging in the balance. I want to live knowing that I will soon die, and I want that knowledge to be so wonderfully sweet that I yearn for it even more.

2010-11-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

Melville Mondays!!! Here is episode 3.

chapter 3!

2010-11-28T17:52:00.002-05:00

we had a really nice thanksgiving weekend with the whiteley family, which started with a photo shoot with my sister and her baby belly. today, however, the murphy house has been taken over by head colds and a mini-flu, so hopefully it passes quickly!!!!

2010-11-25T22:41:00.004-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Here is just a quick list of what we are thankful for on our first holiday as a married couple:

ian's list

- my wifey

- my mom

- my dad's life

- my brothers are saved

larissa's list

- heaven

- ian

- our wonderful families and faithful friends

- that ian talks

we are thankful that god has kept us and continued to show mercy to us in the past year.

we're hosting our first thanksgiving this weekend, as the whiteley clan will be coming in- can't wait!!!

have a wonderful holiday weekend!

i&l

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee

Drowning Melville

2010-11-22T23:04:00.002-05:00

In 2005, Ian and David did a series called Drowning Melville. Vinegar Hill, their company, has re-released the shorts, one per week on what has been designated as Melville Mondays. I have added a link for the first and second chapters. I"ll try to post each Monday. These are hilarious and are a great reminder of who Ian is.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Enjoy!

ian's art-with a little bit of help

2010-11-17T21:12:00.005-05:00

2010-11-09T22:36:00.002-05:00

I couldn't help but share this excerpt from morning and evening by charles spurgeon that we read this evening:

"So walk ye in Him" - Col. 2:6

If we have received Christ Himself in our inmost hearts, our new life will manifest its intimate acquaintance with Him by a walk of faith in Him. Walking implies action. Our religion is not to be confined to our closet; we must carry out into practical effect that which we believe. If a man walks in Christ, then he so acts as Christ would act; for Christ being in him, his hope, his love, his joy, his life, he is the reflex of the image of Jesus; and men say of that man, "He is like his Master; he lives like Jesus Christ." Walking signifies progress. "So walk ye in Him"; proceed from grace to grace, run forward until you reach the uttermost degree of knowledge that a man can attain concerning our Beloved. Walking implies continuance. There must be a perpetual abiding in Christ. How many Christians think that in the morning and evening they ought to come into the company of Jesus, and may then give their hearts to the world all the day: but this is poor living; we should always be with Him, treading in His steps and doing His will. Walking also implies habit. When we speak of a man's walk and conversation, we mean his habits, the constant tenour of his life. Now, if we sometimes enjoy Christ, and then forget Him; sometimes call Him ours, and anon lose our hold, that is not a habit; we do not walk in Him. We must keep to Him, cling to Him, never let Him go, but live and have our being in Him. "As ye have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in Him"; persevere in the same way in which ye have begun, and, as at the first Christ Jesus was the trust of your faith, the source of your life, the principle of your action, and the joy of your spirit, so let Him be the same till life's end; the same when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and enter into the joy and the rest which remain for the people of God. O Holy Spirit, enable us to obey this heavenly precept.

I need to live much more closely to this than I do now. and nothing other than our marriage has made me see that more clearly.

larissa

Marriage

2010-11-03T17:38:00.005-04:00

Well, I thought that I would do a better job at maintaining our blog after the busyness of the wedding had ceased, but as you can tell, that's not the case. I'm not even sure how many people are still reading this!

It's now been a few days over 2 months and I can't say that marriage has been significantly different than I had imagined (in a good way.) We have found ourselves to be really busy, so I'm looking forward to winter, when it gets darker earlier and I feel less guilty about pjs and the couch at 6 p.m.

we're certainly learning a lot about god, even in this quick 2 months. i can't think of anything that will make us more like christ than being married to ian, and that is the purpose of marriage. we had many many reasons that we waited this long to get married, but if anything, i would've done it sooner. i love being married to ian. it just feels natural. he's my best friend. we both wish this were much different, wish for no brain injury, wish that he had his dad back- and there is real grief and real battles and real temptation tied into that- but we are both learning daily to value christ higher than perfect communication, life without a wheelchair and physical ease.

god is good. and i'm glad to be a murphy.

larissa

(p.s. pee wee herman and dotty!!)

2010-10-24T21:51:00.002-04:00

This Momentary Marriage

I need to give a shameless plug for this book by John Piper. It was the basis of our pastor's message at our wedding and has been a constant encouragement before and after our wedding. We would recommend it to anyone- whether married or not. Here is just a taste of the goodness you'll find inside:

"Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of marital success than per- fect sex and double-income prosperity.

If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. Life is precarious, and even if it is long by human standards, it is short. “What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:14). “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring” (Prov. 27:1).

So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.

Very soon the shadow will give way to Reality. The partial will pass into the Perfect. The foretaste will lead to the Banquet. The troubled path will end in Paradise. A hundred candle-lit evenings will come to their consummation in the marriage supper of the Lamb. And this momentary marriage will be swallowed up by Life. Christ will be all and in all. And the purpose of marriage will be complete.

To that end may God give us eyes to see what matters most in this life. May the Holy Spirit, whom he sends, make his crucified and risen Son the supreme Treasure of our lives. And may that Treasure so satisfy our souls that the root of every marriage-destroying impulse is severed. And may the marriage-watching world be captivated by the covenant- keeping love of Christ."

honeymoon photos!

2010-10-12T22:03:00.010-04:00

ben, jan, david, sarah and ian planned a wonderful surprise honeymoon in annapolis, md. if you're looking for a good place to stay there, check this out. I didn't think we would ever find an accessible B&B, but i was delightfully surprised!!

thank you, b&j and d&s for going with us and making it a blast!

2010-10-08T06:49:00.001-04:00

One year ago. We miss you, good man.

2010-09-30T06:44:00.003-04:00

Ian's accident was four years ago today. So happy that he is my husband but still wish it had never happened.

THE PHOTOS ARE HERE!!!!

2010-09-20T16:43:00.003-04:00

This is just a sampling- here are more!!!! Lydia, you did such an AMAZING JOB!!!!!

more pics

2010-09-16T21:07:00.007-04:00

here are some more random shots of the wedding while we wait (patiently?) for the real ones!!!

and to start it off, two of the four most wonderful parents in the world- the whiteleys who made the whole wedding possible. mom and dad, you are the absolute best!!!!!

Chris Fabry Update Broadcast

2010-09-11T19:52:00.002-04:00

Here is a link to an update broadcast that we did on Chris Fabry Live. We did the original recording in March and were asked to do an update for a Labor Day broadcast. Once you follow the link, click on "hour 2" on the right hand side.

Chris Fabry Live

Can't wait to see and share our photos!

L&I

wedding photos part 2

2010-09-07T19:17:00.006-04:00

ok, i really wanted to wait for our photographer's photos to post any, but i can't stand it any longer. here are a few ceremony previews photos.

wedding photos, part 1

2010-08-30T23:46:00.014-04:00

thanks to our wonderful bridesmaid bethaltrogge, i have some pre-ceremony photos to share. we'll get the rest out as soon as we get them! enjoy:)

2010-08-30T08:51:00.003-04:00

we made it!!!!! photos will come soon, but in the meantime here is something that our pastor wrote on his blog about our wedding:

theblazingcenter

and i'm writing this from annapolis, md!

thank you for constantly praying

-mrs.murphy

2010-08-25T14:25:00.001-04:00

so soon!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-18T22:18:00.002-04:00

Ian fell today and fractured his humerus. He, as usual, was believing truth about God even while waiting in the ER. I asked him how he felt about breaking a bone 9 days before our wedding, and he said "my left arm says that god is sovereign." (the fracture was on his right arm, which he doesn't have much use of since the accident. if the break had been on his right arm, he would be in much worse shape).

please pray that he would not be in pain and that his recovery would be quick. he will have a sling for 4-8 weeks.

thank you, as always.

i&l

2010-08-16T19:52:00.001-04:00

12 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

26 days!!!!!

i've been blown away by the generosity of our friends, especially you bloggers who haven't met us but still bless us with such generous wedding gifts. god is so kind to constantly provide for us.

thank you all for your love and care for us

p.s. can't wait to see this little guy as our ring bearer!

love

i&l

Vacation

2010-07-27T20:26:00.001-04:00

Sunday marked the beginning of the Murphy's two week vacation in Virginia. Life was much different this time last year.

Seeming to miss Steve more each day.

2010-07-18T19:43:00.002-04:00

Ian and I were reading through the first blog posts after his accident. This is what he wanted to say to everyone who has been praying:

"Thank you for everything. I can't really remember being that sick, but God has brought me better health. God is faithful for bringing me back to health. Thank you for always praying. I still have disabilities but God is faithful. I love Larissa and in five weeks am getting married. God has never forsaken me. "

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end.
Lamentations 3:22

I&L

2010-07-14T14:38:00.003-04:00

We got our marriage license today. Kudos to us.

Steve, we hope you somehow know this. We love you.

I&L