Sep 24, 2013

for the days that are too much

"Your keys are already in your car," Mary told me as I left the house. It didn't phase me, until I stepped outside to the sound of my car running, the vents turned all the way up to melt the frost and warm my bones. 

"You are loved," she told me.

The gesture that brought tears helped me to start a day on gratefulness. Yet it grew into one of those days that felt like too much, like him not getting breakfast until after 10 and no time for a lunch break- instead distractedly eating an apple as I sat at my desk, saddened when the first bite revealed a rotten, brown core. Or then the arm brace he's supposed to wear at night keeps him awake in pain, forgetting to call the doctor back, and not getting pills ready for the morning. All on a night when my body needs to be out the door at 6:30 am. in a few short hours.

These are the days that feel like too much, that this isn't what I asked for because stress brought from the little just reminds me of the bigger losses I have.

But then there are the sweet gifts, like the new book in the mail that will show me god. The three hours by the fire with a girlfriend and his smile when I come into the room late. 

The fire and the conversation with her and the staying up late with him is worth it. Because those are the moments where I get to live and breathe.

Those are the moments where I see God filling me up, filling my emptiness.


Anonymous said...

Every post from you is a well-written gift and a revealing insight into life in this world, a world we are not made for.

Thanks for sharing.


Anonymous said...

For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.♥ Acts 17:28Thank you for sharing your ups and downs, you help me to look to Jesus. -x-o- I Love you two♥♥-Leslie Dawn

Casey said...

Praying for you and Ian always!

Anna W. said...

I know these empty, too much days too. You see, my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Stomach Cancer 5 days before I had our daughter 18 months ago. My 37 year old husband sleeps a lot, during treatments and afterwards. Cancer has turned our world into something different than it once was, much in the same way the cat accident changed your lives too. I am praying for you both, dear sweet Ian and Larissa. I have had to trust Him to fill those difficult days with His presence and peace, and take away my disappointment and disdain for cancer. We don't know what the uncertain future will bring but we know the One who holds the future. Year 3 was hard on us, but here we are a month away from year 10, still going strong! Love you guys! Anna & Ryan Waters

Anonymous said...

So glad that Ian was able to walk during your mountain vacation!! God is always so much bigger than our little problems and fears.
Much love to both of you! - Melissa in TN

Sarah Hastings said...

Larissa, I first visited this site when the Desiring God video came out some time ago. Your and Ian's story rocked my world and my husband's as well and has stayed with us, but I hadn't been on your site in quite awhile. I have been going through a season of physical suffering of which there is no point in detailing here-- but for whatever reason, God brought me back to your site. Your words -- authentic, raw, truthful -- are a blessing. There are many days when it is simply too hard and feels meaningless to lay out there how you really feel when someone reaches out to ask. But I think he calls us and equips us to communicate what his grace really looks like even in the dark when we don't know how or when the light will finally come... Thank you for doing this, Larissa. Thank you for reminding us that suffering is not some abstract story that someone else is facing but an ongoing, everyday battle of fleshing out the ugly and the beautiful and everything between. You are not alone.

One more thing, wanted to share a Desiring God link to a special song by Shane & Shane that has spoken to and blessed me in my own wilderness of suffering:

Anonymous said...

I heard this song yesterday for the first time, and it came to mind when I read this post:

(I find your Love - Beth Nielson Chapman)

Praying for you guys!

Nelly Erika said...

Hey Larissa and Ian, you don't know how big of an inspiration you are both to me, I've been praying for healing for the past 2 years for my boyfriend who has an unknow virus and paralized his body and took away his speech, some days are hard, just cloudy, very cloudy but there are also good joyful days that bring us hope in little amazing ways. Don't loose hope, that's my prayer for you both!
Kapen has me write a journal of the ways God made me smile each day. It makes me greatful, and with greatfulness comes the blessings :)

there's a verse that says: I will take hold of your hand [Ian & Larissa] to keep you from falling Psalm 37:24

I will continue to pray for you both!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your beautiful authenticity.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your faith. You have no idea how encouraging your story is. Praise God.