what would it be like

spending a day in pittsburgh always makes me imagine a totally different life. riding a bike through the city to work, both of us headed to a creative job, meeting up for dinner at five, going for a run through a park or visiting a museum. all things that sound so wonderful, and so enjoyable, and so un-brain injury-like. i saw hundreds of people today doing what seemed like that very thing and they sure appeared happy from the outside. and its hard to be happy for them because disability is my lens. and it leaves me wondering what it would be like...

...what it would be like to have a husband who could be alone in the house and still be safe. for my husband to move from the living room to the kitchen whenever he wanted. to have a husband who can walk to his dresser in the morning. to spend a night cleaning my house without feeling guilty because my husband can't entertain himself. to simply live one day without this disability.

but that's not what we have now. and we might not ever have it. and it isn't how god has chosen to show his love for ian or myself. he has chosen to show his love and mercy toward us in a life that often feels unbearable but always ends in grace. he has chosen us for even this specific day, brain injury and all, fears and uncertainties and all. and those are the moments that we have to live in. the daily grinding through a life that doesn't "feel" good or easy all the time. i think i'm starting to learn that in those moments is really where i have to be obedient and where i am going to most visibly see that this truly is from a loving father.

"The Lord Jesus is a deep sea of joy: my soul shall dive therein, shall be swallowed up in the delights of His society." -spurgeon