in that moment, i realized that i needed to do in my heart what i was telling ian to do with his wheelchair. it was a particularly hard day, with words like plateau and baseline thrown in to a conversation about ian's progress (or lack of) and i found myself thrown into spiraling thoughts, fearing ian's future, fearing physical decline, fearing that i won't be able to give my husband what he needs. and while i was thinking of all of those things, i had my eyes closed to anything beautiful. before we left for our walk, i told ian that i needed to see god. i needed to see him in way that would refresh my thoughts that god is still here and god still makes beauty in the midst of our ugly mess. i needed to have my eyes opened to the beauty that was around the road, not the road itself. the beauty that was ahead of the road, not the potholes that we had to steer around.
it is so so hard to see beauty when i'm surrounded by nature that is groaning for the return of the lord. it's so hard to see beauty when i'm being told that my husband won't get any better. but it has to be in there somewhere. somewhere.
thank you for your constant prayers for ian. tomorrow we see the surgeon for a consultation on his knee. please pray that we would make a good decision in faith that god will provide for us.